Critical Mass

On Tuesday afternoon, my laptop began experiencing serious problems with two of my most used programs — Mozilla Thunderbird and FireFox. A couple of hard restarts and several troubleshooting sessions later, I’m realizing I need to talk to Dell again to see if there’s something wrong with the hardware. I will most likely resort to backing up my files to an external hard drive and wiping the slate clean. However, the damage has been done. The epiphany has manifested. I am not in the right place in order to make my dreams come true. This is the last sign to cement that. This move has not been the beneficial boost to my life that it was promised to be. The first quarter of 2011 has been marred by disappointment, regret, frustration, and depression. I thought this was my year to focus on becoming self-employed. I was wrong. I’m reprioritizing and finding that  above all else I must do everything I can to move my family into our own space once again. Retail and food industry no longer appear as unappealing as they did on January 1st. In fact, I hope I have more luck hunting for such jobs in this area than I did in a college town. I don’t see why a manager should be turned off by my degree. Just because one assumes I’ll be unhappy working in that position for very long shouldn’t mean a thing. Do they ask themselves the same question when considering high school students? I imagine they wouldn’t be content to work such a job forever, either, you know.

I had my opportunity to make my dreams come true before committing to this move. I just didn’t have the faith required to make it happen. I wasn’t willing to hold out hope that Congress would approve another unemployment extension. I assumed my funding would run out, forcing me to make the decision to leave behind that life and pull out a few tricks. I had a market in all the students attending UF. I had a market in the professors teaching at UF. Here, most of the locals likely can’t afford my tutoring fee. Here, I’m fairly isolated. And while my dreamer’s mind is telling me that I’m merely making excuses, the part of my mind that’s unraveling tells me that my soul isn’t being nourished in this current environment. If I don’t have the strength to overcome the sensation of defeat, how am I going to manage building my business? Quite frankly, I’ve been trying for over 3 months to take that time, and all my plans — from silly dinner plans to the bigger things — are blowing up in my face. I need to get my family moved into our own place, and I need to feel more secure before I can return to this dream.

My writing here will be more about a creative outlet and less about planning a business. I’ll likely feel a little less guilt about neglecting my blog as often as I do.