The Prose of an Electrate Mind

Let’s chase away the crummy mood with a list of things to be grateful for!

• A simmering pot of ground turkey chili, bubbling away in all its beauty
• A day off — meaning time to make a fresh hot batch of cornbread to accompany said chili
• Making peace with the rainy weather and calling it a pajama day
• A page filled with pink-inked ideas for a conference close to home
• Warm tea to soothe tight, inflamed airways
• The knowledge that I do not, in fact, need to hurry up about dinner — it’s my day off!

Even when a bad day comes to call, a nice little list always helps brighten my perspective.

I’ve been suffering from my first infection of 2012 for the past six days. Working outside the home makes it fairly difficult to get the proper rest and self-care that I need, but overall I’ve made it a point to drink as much fluids (preferably warm) to flush my system. While at home, I’ve made sure to sit down and rest when I can — of course, having children makes that a bit difficult, as well. However, I’ve done incredibly well. I discovered that I love gingerbread spice tea (and unless I get a paid for endorsing the brand, I leave it to my readers to figure out the brand name). Yesterday I took a wee bit of my energy to clean up the bath tub and treat myself to a relaxing soak. Some times when I’m sick, a good soak in a tub filled with warm water calms me down and sucks out the illness. It may only provide temporary relief, but it certainly is nice to just relax in the water.

Upon the physical manifestation of my altar sits a pair of candles, flickering away with the scent of apples and cinnamon, filling the air with their sweet scent. Hints of lemon steeped through my herbal infusion tickle my taste buds, or what little remain after scorching them in hopes of that first sip of freshly brewed tea. Weak, I ponder the concept of soaking. Energy must be summoned to clean the tub, making it acceptable for a good, relaxing bath. I contemplate the ingredients to dump in the running water — salt, tea tree oil, scented soaps — to soothe my condition. I don’t like being congested, and I don’t like the sound of my scratchy, wheezy voice. Above all else, I hate feeling weak and tired, dizzy and faint. A pot of freshly made soup could help, but today I’ve relinquished dinner duties to a man who’s sole purpose for the day seems to be making me smile. A small smile spreads across my face as I realize he’s been most successful in his attempts. Who am I to complain if someone else wishes to wash the laundry? Busy work, that’s what it is. It’s busy work that prevents me from sitting here, being creative, attempting to show instead of telling. Attempting to bring forth that which is typically stifled in a sea of to-do’s and requests. I stare up at the candles, wondering if I’m up to the task of wiping down that tub. After a deep breath, I go forth to soak — to let my mind wander and daydream about healthier days.

Yesterday I set aside time for me — time to hang out at my favorite little cafe, sipping tea, savoring chocolate, writing, and being with myself. (And hooray! Someone else paid my tab for me! How sweet was that! I wish I could have thanked those wonderful women!) I’ve been craving alone time to just sit and hear myself think, listen to the thoughts that arise, and let the words flow from my finger tips. Admittedly, weeks 2 and 3 of 2012 haven’t been as cultivating as they should have been. In fact, this past week has been downright ridiculous. It was like a page straight out of 2011, and I wanted to shake that right off. I needed this therapeutic time to allow myself permission to give myself my undivided attention.

I brought along my laptop, a lovely new spiral notebook I got for Christmas, my little journal, and my planner. I’ve already scheduled another visit for the next payday, which also happens to be a day off. Of course, I may bring along my husband for some couple time, but as it stands this place is like a therapist’s office to me. I come here, they treat me like a valued guest, and I enjoy delicious food and drink in a peaceful, lovely environment. Today’s particularly overcast, but the low lighting works just fine. It’s not like an uncomfortably bright room in which you feel blinded by fluorescent noise. It’s like… home. It’s my sanctuary, where I’m free to writing happily and sip something warm and comforting. I’m free to be me.

I’ve been implored by this week’s manifestival prompt to reflect on 2011 and the themes each month had. So, I literally opened a new tab to review my posts for each month, jotted notes in my spiral, and meditated a bit on what each month’s theme was. Here’s what I came up with, no explanations given:

1. January: Processing
2. February: A New Hope
3. March: Quiet Reverberance
4. April: Critical Mass/ Meltdown
5. May: Health Crisis
6. June: Letting Go of Guilt
7. July: Financial Crisis/ Social Withdrawal
8. August: Settling for Less
9. September: Attempting to Balance
10. October: Swallowing a Tough Pill
11. November: Focusing
12. December: Preparation (for 2012)

Last year was filled with more than its fair share of downs and not enough ups. I struggled financially, mentally, and physically. My hopes and dreams were shattering around me, faster than I could piece them back together. This year I’d like to take those shattered remains, plant them, nurture them, and watch them grow into something even bigger than I could have hoped for. What finally went well for me was to embrace those who embraced me — no more flailing and chasing after someone would didn’t even bat an eyelash before casting me aside. The wonderful people who come here and read, comment, and express their contentment with my work are the ones who deserve my time and attention. And in fact, I learned a good lesson last year — the lesson that I must remain firmly grounded throughout my life, no matter how successful or unsuccessful I become. While it wasn’t an enjoyable year, it was a year of teachable moments, guiding me to a clearer understanding of myself, my flaws, and my talents.

It is my intention this year to become successful. I must focus. I must have discipline. I must balance. I must be patient. And above all else, I must learn all that I can. I have the resources to do so, lying dormant in my files. I cannot allow 2012 to be a repeat of 2011. I must cultivate myself — cultivate a life worth living. If it’s worthwhile, it’s worth the effort to cultivate it. And in case you hadn’t noticed, that’s my theme for 2012: cultivation.

Let’s review our month so far. What have you been doing to cultivate a life worth living? What challenges have you faced so far? What solutions can you brainstorm to overcome those challenges? I’ll go first…

I’m facing the very real probability that moving day has become an indefinite again. I anticipated a higher monthly income, but the nature of my circumstances is such that I’m still incapable of getting that shiny new place. I found a place that seemed almost too good to be true, even — and it was. The pet deposit was obscene. You cannot claim to be pet friendly if you charge a per-pet pet deposit — it’s the same carpeting that would be replaced once. Asides from the carpeting, I can’t imagine what else they’d need money for. I paid a $100 pet deposit once for any and all pets I’d ever have when I lived in my last apartment complex. But I digress. I’m faced with the probability that even March 1st may not be reasonable unless I take aggressive actions in order to remove myself from this situation. The ugly D-monster has been rearing its angry head, pinning me to the ground with a vengeance, telling me I’m not good enough to make it.

Those are my challenges. Now, I do have some ideas brainstormed to overcome these challenges, but I do need to maintain a certain level of ambiguity with regards to those ideas. Those actions are easier planned than completed, though. To some extent, I also have to rely on others to complete those actions, too. However, there are a great number of things I can do to cultivate a life worth living for the interim. It’s going to require allowing myself to feel anxious, angry, frustrated, and depressed when those emotions arise. When those emotions arise, it’s best not to try talking myself out of it. Instead, I need to care for myself. I need to step away from what I’m doing and whatever’s upsetting me, and I need to drink some water or tea and rest. It takes a lot more energy to be unhappy than it does to be happy, I’ve found. If I give myself some time to rest and recoup my energy, I can better face the challenges ahead of me. Admittedly, I haven’t been cultivating good sleeping habits anyway. I also haven’t enjoyed enough tea (or infusions, for that matter). A little simple self-care and solitude can make a huge difference in my outlook, and I need to stop approaching life as though these simple steps are unreasonable. They’re not. I’m human, and my energy reserves and limits are finite. I must accept that in order to cultivate a life worth living.

The dates may have changed, but situations and circumstances don’t change over night. It’s our responsibility to change our perspectives and our situations — which also can’t happen. That’s why the Cultivate project exists. It will take some time to cultivate ourselves and our lives, but it’s going to be a worthwhile journey.

Just once more, the frosty peppermint snow candle is lit. Just shy of an eighth remains, the jar blackened by the flame. Still, the flame towers high, emitting that sweet scent into the air. As I meditate upon the candle, frustration sets in. Set backs have crept up this week — but this is the year I intended to change everything. Times flies past as my frustrations build. Most of the wax remains solid, the flame still flickering softly upon the mantle. Its warm glow provides a very small, limited area of zen amid. It reminds me that it is possible to contain a state of zen within a very small, limited area — like the area within myself. Unlike the candle, however, I do not possess a glass container in which to contain my peace — nor would I wish for such. Glass can shatter, scattering sharp shards. Glass keeps things out, which is good for a candle — but not for a person. A person needs people and experiences to permeate the barrier for the sake of growth and development. These set backs are part of my growth and development. So while I greet them with disdain now, I will wish them farewell with gratitude.

I’d been riding the day’s many joys so much that I had nearly forgotten to write. My shift was short and smooth. The grocery shopping afterwards went equally smooth. I came home, put everything away, reorganized the pantry (which had gotten a bit cluttered and out of control), and prepared one of my signature dishes. I baked a cake mix I got for Christmas (and it came with an adorable cake server), then I frosted it with some fancy new frosting dispenser. Cute edging on my cake made easy? Yes, please!

And to top everything off, I received news from my good friend Nicki that her baby girl Kenna’s defying odds like her brother did before her. Baby Kenna was born on Monday at 24 weeks gestation due to fetal and maternal distress. Nicki had been suffering from pre-eclampsia and had been desperately adhering to bed rest in the hopes to keep her baby girl in as long as possible. Luckily, the high risk doctors foresaw a premature delivery and administered medication to help Kenna’s lungs develop faster. Today Kenna underwent her first surgery, and she came through beautifully. I’m so incredibly thankful for medical advances that make this possible, as well as for the power of prayer and positive thinking. Whatever your religious (or non) alignment is, I’d say it’s easy for everyone to appreciate the miracle of a tough preemie.