Category: cultivate

What do you do to welcome the new year? Do you have any special rituals? What are your plans to clear your space for this new year?

When I was growing up, my mom bought sparkling apple cider for my sister and me to toast to the new year. I’ve passed that ritual along to my children — and upgraded to real bubbly for myself. I also like to participate in year end writing series to process the year and plan for the next. While it’s already mid-May, it’s never too late to set some goals for the rest of the year. I plan to clear space literally by decluttering my belongings. We have items that are truly trash, items that could be donated, and some items that could be sold. The trash-worthy items will provide some bonfire fun for us. I also plan on figuratively clearing space by treating my body with more respect and setting aside more time to simply be — instead of constantly doing.

It’s kind of funny in a way. I haven’t been very active on my blog. I fell off the radar on Twitter for a while. I kind of started to just keep my social media to updating friends and family on Facebook. My posts mainly focus on my life’s circumstances. I tried to maintain my social presence last year, but a person can only last so long before the crushing weight of an enormous boulder forces you to focus more on less. To be quite honest, I realize that losing my presence was likely career suicide. I have a feeling that I basically need to rebuild from scratch in order to even continue dreaming of working from my laptop whenever and wherever I feel like it. I don’t even have the gumption to “lifestyle design” at this point — I just want to survive the times between leaving my bed and getting back into it. If I didn’t have all these responsibilities nagging me to be productive and functional, I’d likely not leave my bed at all. It’s really sick and twisted that an agency that’s purported to “help” can do so much emotional damage to a person’s psyche.

I’ve been a broken record with this, too — which is a big reason I’ve neglected my social media outlets. I don’t like being a whiner. I’m not here to whine and complain. I’m here to dream big, show gratitude, and share my journey of cultivating a thriving life worth loving. Only now, the person I want to be and the person I am are two completely different entities. Who’s got time to tweet about happiness and gratitude when they’re busy putting out proverbial fires and playing damage control? Who’s got the time to think about blogging when they’re too busy worrying about which bills need to be paid next and if the kids will notice the lack of meat in their dinner.

I guess I’m just afraid of letting this become my new “livejournal.” That was my place to gripe. Then we started moving along to Facebook and Twitter, and things changed. I guess if I were to set an intention for changing my social media habits, I would say that I need to treat social media the way I treat my gratitude journal. I need to process privately in my journal and rebuild my readership with the content I want to see here. But I also don’t want to waste this opportunity to raise awareness of a very real problem in our society. I don’t want to lose the opportunity to advocate for changing the system and giving more support to those who need it most.

I’m not 100% sure if this even counts as a confession anymore. I came out with this confession about a year ago. According to the Walker County Department of Family and Children Services, I am a bad mother. I’m so awful, in fact, that I deserved to have one — only one — of my three children removed from my custody for 15 months. I’m so awful that I expect their father to do his fair share of parenting and housekeeping. Apparently that makes me dependent, and I should be ashamed of myself for being a mortal human. I’m despicable because I believe my son’s psychiatrist is qualified to diagnose my son and offer treatment methods that will help my son succeed throughout his life. I’m evil because I expect that the school system will recognize this and give him the accommodations that he is legally entitled to.

Now that we’ve gotten THAT out of the way, here’s an even deeper confession: I despise that county agency with every fiber of my being. I don’t believe for one minute that they have ANYONE’S best interests at heart. I have seen two cases of child neglect go unpunished — in one case, the mother in question has NOT EVEN dealt with a fraction of the pain I have. If they were to drug test that woman, they will quickly see that she is truly ineffective as a mother. Instead, they permit her to deny access to her information. I guess this is what makes me stupid — I blindly submitted to these people. Instead of standing up from the start, I let them steamroll me and my family. Instead of questioning their practices and ethics, I assumed I was obligated to cooperate regardless of my opinions.

I also must confess that I still love my husband and father of all three of my children. Apparently, this is reprehensible. Apparently, I was supposed to put on a show worthy of Jerry Springer. I’m sorry, but all three children exist for a good reason. All three children share a father for a good reason. I believe children need two parents.

And for the record, let me confess that I hate being a single mother — especially by force. It’s ridiculous to have to juggle all these demands. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I have more demands on me than a typical single parent. After all, I have a county agency breathing down the back of my neck expecting me to be Super Mom, even though that runs counter to everything I’ve learned throughout my life. It’s contrary to the very parenting classes I took to satisfy these people. I graduated about 9 months ago. Yes, I completed goals in record time, yet I’m still clawing my way through this mess.

And for my final confession: I’m going to question your motives if you tell me that you want to follow a career in social work. The system is corrupt, and I don’t think destroying a family is worth it in the least. We didn’t need separation. We didn’t need financial ruin. We didn’t need permanent emotional trauma. We needed each other.

Tell us about a time in 2013 where you found yourself in awe of the wonder and/or magic around you. Did you have enough of these moments in the past year?  How do you plan on cultivating more of these moments in 2014?

While 2013 was miserable for me on the whole, I will admit that I did have some moments in which I felt in awe of my surroundings. I had moments by myself, moments with my two younger children, and moments with my husband. I had moments at work and moments at home. I’m imagining I must have had enough of these moments last year because I made it to 2014. I don’t think I could have made it this far without the little injections of wonder and magic sprinkled in my days.

A third of the year has already flown by, and I’ve really been functioning on auto-pilot. I haven’t been putting much thought and effort into my cultivation project. Wow. In fact, I avoided answering this question by having a conversation with my sister. I ran out of time on my lunch break. I closed the lid of my laptop. It’s taken over eight hours for me to sit back down and contemplate cultivating more moments of wonder and/ or magic around me in 2014. How does one do so, anyway? Do I read? Do I write? Do I draw? Do I dance? Do I sit around? Do I just wait for things to happen? What do I do? I’m really not sure how to approach this. I guess I’ve been in auto-pilot mode so long, drifting through the life I’ve forced to live while dreaming of the life I want. Please tell me how you cultivate wonder and magic around you in the comments. Tell me in tweets. Tell me how I go about doing this.

Wow. I’m so far removed from 2013 that I don’t recall my most vivid dream(s). I want to say that I dreamt mostly about my family being together as we should, but everything is so hazy. I do remember I dream I had that led me to a realization that I’m insecure and unhappy with myself. Part of the problem lies in that I’m uncomfortable parenting solo. I’m uncomfortable trying to flesh out solitude when I’ve got a ridiculous number of responsibilities crammed in my face. And let’s be honest here — I have failed miserably at treating my body with the love and respect it deserves in order to make the rest of my life enjoyable. I’ve put far to many products that masquerade as “food” into my mouth due to emotional eating and/ or financial strain.

I guess the message in a bottle that I keep shuffling to the bottom of my stack is that I can’t keep this up. It’s okay to need help from others — to delegate and be realistic. A very out-of-touch person I dealt with last year had the audacity to say that I was TOO dependent, meanwhile I’ve always had a problem asking for help. I’m a do-it-yourselfer. I have clear ideas in my head of what I’d like to accomplish, and I find it usually easier to depend on myself. Because of her false opinions of me, I felt the need to prove that I’m a lone wolf ready to defend and tackle everything head-up and solo. That’s not healthy or just.

With that being said, it’s time to stop treating my body like a dumpster. It’s time to stop trying to be super-human. It’s time to realize that I am a mortal creature who needs nurturing, too. I don’t have to martyr myself for someone else’s sick intentions. Sure, things aren’t ever going to be perfect, but nurturing myself increases my ability to nurture those dearest to me for a longer period of time.

If you were able to throw yourself a shower to begin 2014, what gifts would you give yourself? Has there been something you’ve realized has been missing and now need? What has it been?

While it’s hardly still the beginning of 2014, I do know some of the gifts I’ve been missing — from tangible to intangible. Quite honestly, I would give myself a clean financial slate if I could. Credit cards need to be wiped from my record. A private student loan should be wiped out by now. I think I’d also give myself some good flavored coffee, delicious flavored creamers made with real milk and sugar, ginseng supplements, and tons of water to energize myself for all the big projects I’ve got on my plate. For the sake of my sanity, I’m truly hoping to purge much of the “things” from my life so I can rest a little easier — and clean up a lot faster. This has been an incredibly difficult task with all of life’s circumstances, but these past nearly 16 months have given me a different perspective on life.

Really and truly, I desperately need solitary time each day. I don’t do well when I’m expected to be a social creature from my waking moment until the time I finally hide under the blankets for the night. I need my breathing space to collect my thoughts and recharge myself. This is easier said than done, as it were. Right now I’m forcibly separated from my husband (STILL!), so I don’t have my tag team partner to given me that well-deserved breather. But if I had the room to just sit down, be with myself, and let my mind unravel itself for a bit, I might have more clarity in my life. I have felt like a frazzled teenager all over again. I have felt oppressed and trapped. I want the gift of victory — of freedom to be myself, to be mom, to be the wife, and to simply be.

Procrastination. Just look at the date of this response, and you’ll see that I’m no stranger to procrastination. I feel the need to assign deadlines for my goals. I end up disappointed. I began this year with more deadlines to pass, but I have come to realize that I may need to operate on the indefinite. Things will work. They will happen. I don’t need to fluster myself with needless deadlines when I know each date will have to get pushed back. So, I’m going to work towards my goals without expectations for an end date. I will allow the flow of life to guide my decisions.

Author’s Note: I wrote this in late January/ early February. Today, May 1st, I realize that I needed to revisit this as I transcribed it to a blog post.

Author’s Note: I’m fully aware that it’s now April 30th — over 3 months since the beginning of this prompt series. I have been processing my life at my own pace these days. I’m ready to get back on track and move forward with life. Today’s response was handwritten back in January, and I will follow up at the end with how things went.

I have been contemplating a physical overhaul for quite some time. Over the holidays, I fell off the gluten free wagon — and as a result, my overall well-being suffered. It’s amazing how something as simple as wheat can cause such myriad symptoms that detract from my health. I’m planning to do a raw and whole foods detox/ cleanse during Lent. This serves the purpose of giving my body a break from all the processed polymers I’ve put in my mouth. I’m also going to attempt to start a daily stretching, yoga, and meditation practice to help my aging body continue to maintain its flexibility and decrease my stress. I’m going to try working out so I can maintain and increase my strength and endurance. I’ve found that my fear of aging really lies in the fear of becoming disabled. The more effort I make to maintain my abilities, the less I should worry about the number of candles I put on my cake.

Results: I didn’t really succeed with my intentions to move my body more and quiet my mind regularly, but for the most part I gave my digestive tract a break from junk. I feel better when I don’t put junk into my mouth. I hope to start motivating myself to strengthen my body and quiet my mind. I really and truly want to increase the quality of my life for whatever time I’ve got left because I’ve seen how miserable people can be when they haven’t taken care of themselves. Sitting in a motorized scooter with an oxygen tank seems like a terrible way to live life, which is why I intend to care for my body.

The last few years have seemed to be a real downer for everyone. So, indulge in the whiny and get it out of the way. There are some things we just can’t move on from until we’ve spent some time burning effigies. So, that’s what we’re going to do.

Tell us about a time when you’ve been heartbroken, angry, or even just annoyed. Tell us about something you just can’t seem to let go of or get over. Spread that grievous infection all around, and thin it out. Really lay into it. We’ll all feel better in the long run.

I was robbed blind in 2013. I lost valuable time — time to spend with my kids, time to spend with my husband, time to spend with myself, time to spend on my dreams, time to spend on my projects, time at work, time with friends, time to relax… you get the point. I had huge plans for 2013. I wanted a big, glamorous party for the 30th birthday. Nope! I wanted to take a long vacation to go see relatives over the summer. Denied! I wanted to watch my oldest on the ball field again. Guess again! I wanted to put my little girl into dance classes. No way! I wanted to watch my littlest play outside with his daddy. What’s wrong with me?! Silly woman — none of these things are allowed!

Allow me to take the time to whine, piss, and moan about how I’m apparently a foolish, naive little woman who’s clearly blind to the truth. Surely I should see the monster they see when they look at my husband of almost twelve years. Surely stating that my oldest has an Autism Spectrum Disorder means I hate him and make him a scapegoat. Yes, let’s come up with all sorts of far-fetched stories and asinine name-calling and labeling. That’s mature. That’s totally worth the tax dollars being fed to this agency. Never-you-mind the little boy being berated and beaten by his dad at the super store because his dad was inconsiderate enough to stop too soon for the poor boy to slow down the cart. Don’t pay any attention to the parents shouting, “LAY DOWN IN THE CART!” to their poor child screaming, “Ok! No! Don’t do it! I’ll listen! Don’t hurt me!” Nope, nothing to see there! Let’s take an average, ordinary family and magnify their problems. Let’s turn their molehills into mountains. Let’s use our ignorance of mental illness to this family’s disadvantage!

Perhaps this response can serve as the ranting, scathing bonfire that desperately needs to escape. Perhaps at least venting the surface can release enough steam to keep the eruption from spewing forth across the web. I haven’t even ranted about the pain and suffering I’ve witnessed my babies endure. These people want me to think that I’ve been this awful, ineffective parent when they have caused more pain and suffering for a little over a year than I could have EVER done in their short lives. I encourage my children to follow their dreams, to seek happiness, to grow into their own individuals. So what if my parenting style isn’t “perfect?” So what if my house looks like *kids* live here? Guess what — kids DO live here, and they DO have the right to play with their toys on the living room floor. If you have to step around them, that’s YOUR problem. THEY live here. YOU don’t. It’s like the pet issue — the pet lives in the home. The guest can either accept that fact or leave.

Here’s to embracing the whiny. Burn, baby, burn!

 

 

What did you set out to accomplish last year? What did you do to cultivate your goals and your life? Did your intentions manifest last year?

Last year I set out to accomplish a long list of goals that I never really got to cultivate or manifest. Because my life — and those of my core family’s — got shaken up by outside interference, I spent 2013 simply trying to survive. Thriving wasn’t an option. Waking up, facing the day, and finally crawling back into bed when I was finished with it all was about all I could muster. My goals realigned with the goals of a state agency. My intentions became focused upon chasing away said state agency and reunifying my fractured family. On December 31st, 2013, I was still sitting there, wondering how much more fight it would take — and how much more fight I had left to give.

However, 2013 was not without its accomplishments. I discovered a wellspring of strength within my very being. I managed to maintain my household, functioning as a single mother with two children. I managed to maintain a marriage that has been attacked viciously for over a year. I managed to show up to work with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I finally got my driver’s license (a mere three months before my 30th birthday). I rallied support. I enlisted the help of higher-ups, who gave me the victories I received by 2013’s end. January 2013 may have been a ridiculously awful month, but by December 31st, 2013, I had risen from the ashes and grown into the woman I am today.