Looking back through 2015, what did you diligently try to create? What great thing did you just happen to find?
I diligently tried to create myself once again after losing most of my inspiration and ambition in 2013. I tried to create fresh ideas to rekindle old passions or inspire new ones. I tried to create a new life. I just happened to find myself still here, but I did happen to find my inspiration and ambition once again. My creative energies have waxed and waned almost as much as the moon this year, but I feel like 2015 has been a much kinder, gentler year than its two predecessors.
And, that being said, I invite you to reflect on all that this evinces. What are you the verdict of?
It took longer to ponder this question, to fully grasp the deeper meaning behind it. Here I am at the end of 2015. I am 32 years old now — I’m finally at my lucky number. I am a woman, wife, mother, co-worker, employee, dreamer, writer, tutor, and so much more. I am me — I am who I am, and that’s all I can be. I don’t have my career path completely mapped out — or even really know what I’d like to do, for that matter — but I know the caliber of woman I’d like to be. I’ve traveled through 2015 without the same pains and wounds of 2013 and 2014. The verdict is in, and I’m not the awful mother they tried to convince me I was. My children are earning A’s and B’s. They are clothed, well-fed with plenty of fruits and vegetables, and given a home to feel safe in. They are all individuals with their own verdicts. I’m not perfect, but I strive to put their needs above all else. Sure, I have moments in which I need to prioritize myself, but one cannot serve from an empty vessel. Refilling my vessel with sleep, water, and real food must happen in order to survive and thrive. If anyone ever tells you that your are a failure as a human being for refilling your vessel, shun them. They do not have your best interests at heart, much less the best interests of anyone else for that matter.
I am the verdict of chance. My entrance into this world was quite by accident, but chance favored me. Chance hasn’t always been in my favor, of course, but chance has been the verdict of me. I am chance. Chance is me. I am here. I have made it. I am ready to embrace chance once again as 2016 approaches, and I intend to pursue what I started at the end of 2012. I intend to dust myself off, shake off the fog, and remind myself that I am strong and brave.
In 2016, how can you bring healing to these patterns of thought that are holding you back?
Having never given much consideration to the thoughts and patterns that I may have inherited, I feel a bit curious. I want to explore this further in depth over 2016. I want to trace back habits, thought processes, and quirks to see where they came from. I want to understand Cindy Mearns’ prompt a little better because her question triggered a lightbulb within my soul. Perhaps the problem is a little deeper rooted. Perhaps I’m too wrapped up in everyday life to step back and see the bigger picture and move forward. I’ve felt held back for quite some time, and I do believe it has a lot to do with the past — past wounds, past lectures, past words. I’ve done much more already than a woman in my shoes is “supposed” to accomplish (having born my eldest at the tender age of 18). Perhaps it’s time to shed old patterns and archaic beliefs in favor of ones that nurture growth and forward movement.
How can you replenish your (physical, mental, spiritual and/or emotional) resources? What do you need most of all at this moment?
As I write this, the night before it publishes, I need sleep most of all. I’m exhausted — deeply, crushingly exhausted. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I need sleep. Sleep deprivation robs us of so much in life. I’m going to be granting myself permission to sleep more often. I’m going to be changing my bad eating habits. I’m going to walk more often, practice yoga again, and generally move my body more. I say things like this all too often, I know, but it’s all in the intention. I’m ready to make changes in my life and get a fresh start.
When was the last time you stopped to look up at the moon? What did she have to say to you?
When the moon was full last, I stopped to gaze up at its beauty. Her warm glow lit the sky as though it was still dusk. She reminded me that life cycles just as she does, ebbing and flowing at will.
Well, a lot has surprised me. Earlier this year, the plan was to move back to Florida, but our van surprised us with one break-down after another. Even more surprising, I accepted this change of plans calmly and with grace. While I still don’t feel like this area is meant to be our home forever, I also don’t feel like I’m isolated. We’ve built lives here. We have friends here. We have four seasons here. I was surprised by the beauty of this year’s fall foliage — not because I didn’t expect it to be so bright and vibrant, but because I didn’t expect to be here to witness its beauty. While my friend on the other side of the world is enjoying the beautiful spring flowers, I’m basking in the cooler weather and sleeping trees.
What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?
My lists include deciding what career path to pursue, decluttering my life, finding a “forever” home, rebuilding our credit, and getting my body fit and healthy. I have so much going on in my life, and it’s so hard to pin down my thoughts, but my lists suggest I’m praying for a fresh start and a happier life.
I had a different idea for this final post, but I’ve been feeling sick. So, I’m grateful that I have a day off after fighting through my cold the past week.
I’m thankful for opportunities to shake off the old and grow something new. Every year when the leaves fall off the trees, the current year is shedding to make room for the next year.
