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#Cultivate2012 September

I’ve spent this summer contemplating how I might go about making the leap from my life as-is to that ideal life I’m dreaming up. Crunching numbers and brainstorming ideas served only to further frustrate me, and I realized that I’ve been letting the road blocks in between me and my destination befoul the journey. I’m trying too hard to turn hobbies and passions into ways of life and a means to earn a living. I feel too pressured to make a giant leap in order to obtain my goals — but that’s too lofty and unreasonable. I’ve been too enveloped in the concept of “Leap Year” to look at the canyon I’m hesitating to leap across. Hesitation, frustration, and stagnation are NOT good ways to cultivate a fulfilling life.

So I’m again embracing the feeling of letting go. I’m letting go of the pressure to make things “happen.” I’m letting go of the pressure to pursue this to the extent that I’m breaking my heart. I’m going to let hobbies cultivate themselves into enjoyable hobbies — I’m going to write because I enjoy writing, NOT because I’m hoping to earn money by writing. I’m going to pursue other avenues of which I can continue to cultivate myself and my life in order to some day get to the point where I’m ready to pursue my big dreams. I’m not ready to take that leap. I need to scale down the canyon a bit further and find a better jumping off point. I can’t get to the bottom of that canyon — that would be a very dark, scary place — but I can afford to descend just a bit in order to get across to the point that makes life a bit more like the life I’ve been envisioning for years.

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#Cultivate2012 July: Taking Charge

This month I finally got things worked out to explore my health — and was only able to rule out the most obvious factor. My doctor and I had been operating under the pretense that my thyroid was enlarged and running sluggish. Blood work and an ultrasound both relieved my thyroid of all blame. Unfortunately, this left both my doctor and me very, very confused. A very visible — and palpable — mass still resides in my neck. Now we’re seeking out an ENT who’ll work with me to further explore what this thing is exactly.

Today I had an incredibly nasty flare-up. I may not have a name for this condition, but I can tell you that I do experience flare-ups. I spent much of the day processing everything internally, rehashing the same issues I’ve been rehashing since before beginning this project. I realized it’s time for another break from the same old vice — the digital noise. I’ve been rationalizing that I need to maintain my connection to the digital noise for the sake of business, but I really haven’t conducted business or contributed much in the way of constructive conversation lately.

So I’m going to unofficially sit it out for a couple of days. I need to focus more on gentle movement, writing, and being with myself — being quietly with myself, at that. My digital tethers make it hard for me to quiet my mind.

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#Cultivate2012 June : Operation Summer Vacation

I began the Cultivate 2012 project with the hopes of cultivating myself and living a better life. As each month rolled around, I felt more and more pressure to cater to my readers — to worry more about others instead of worrying about myself. That hasn’t been very cultivating for me, which doesn’t serve my purpose considering the nodule in my neck has grown persistently over the past few months. If I don’t stop and worry about *me* soon, there might not be much of a *me* to worry about at all. So instead of stressing about creating a prompt for my readers to follow, I’m simply going to report on my own progress/ regress and invite others to do some self-guided exploration of their year so far. Feel free to continue doing monthly self-guided exploration of your year on a self-determined basis (a week, a month, whatever suits you).

Back in April I read an article by Ashley Ambirge in which she encourages her readers to “name it.” “As in put a name on your ONE THING. Call it something. Give it an identity.” And so I did. I thought a lot about my dreams, about my desired lifestyle. I thought back to leisurely summer vacations, doing as I pleased, enjoying life on my terms, on my schedule. I thought about how freeing that felt. I thought about how much I anticipated summer vacation every school year, how much I dreaded returning to the early morning alarms and days spent inside a packed, over-air-conditioned building. I realized that I want to live every day like it’s summer vacation. I want to choose when I start my day, where I spend my days, and how I spend my days. If I want to live every day like I’m on summer vacation, I need to work hard now to cultivate that lifestyle. I need to create offerings and publish. I need to put myself out there. I don’t need to accept every gig and offer that comes my way, but I had better put myself out there to attract clients. I need to build my income — especially my passive income — so I can afford myself the luxury of lounging when I want/ need to. I need to spend enough time caring for myself so I can enjoy this life a little longer. Having a nodule growing on/ near your thyroid really changes your perspective on life, that’s for sure.

Distractions have surrounded me for the past couple of months. The much anticipated move — and the dreaded unpacking — took some of my attention. Honestly, my attention has been stretched in several directions. Moving out of a bad situation only highlighted other issues that much more, and there’s so much more to fix. My distraction drains my creativity, and I haven’t felt capable of producing quality, witty work. The realization that June’s nearing the half-way point forces me to make a choice — do what I love or settle. I hate settling (unless we’re talking about settling down in a space of my own). So I must choose to do what I love. I have to continue fighting, no matter the odds. I made a promise to myself on January 1st that this year would be different. That promise included nurturing myself, and I need to revisit that. I cannot live the dream if I’m always tired, dehydrated, and unwell. I must invest in myself and my future. It wouldn’t be selfish if I gave myself just a bit of love and care — and I shouldn’t feel that way. My family needs me. So I need to take care of me.

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#Cultivate2012 March Prompt and Outlook

Where I live, spring has come early. Spring is the perfect season for cultivation — the ground is thawing, rainstorms come to water the ground, and the sun stays out longer to shine down love and happiness. Gardeners head outside to weed, till the soil, and plant seeds. Here’s the March Cultivate 2012 prompt:

What would you like to weed out of your life? How can you till the soil of your life? What seeds would you like to plant this month?

I’d like to weed out some clutter that I don’t feel like packing and unpacking. Yes, I still have that decluttering project that I keep putting off in true procrastinator fashion. I’m digging through the dirt, turning everything over, in hopes of finding a good place to plant some seeds of serenity, sanctuary, and comfort. I’ve set an April 1st moving date in the hopes that local landlords will cooperate with regards to a new home that fits my needs and budget.

I have a lot of things planned for March. I’ll be crossing some items off of my List throughout this month. I’m looking forward to spring and all the new opportunities and freshness that comes with it.

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#Cultivate2012 End of February Review and Prompt

When February began, I said we’d be taking leaps. Here’s your prompt for today: What leaps did you take in February to cultivate yourself?

I began February with high hopes, but I seemingly missed my opportunities. Instead of throwing in the towel and abandoning my project, I’m choosing to turn the page on February and welcome March with a renewed sense of hope. We might not get do overs, but we do have the power to leave the past where it belongs. I may, however, abandon plans to hold a conference. I haven’t seen enough interest in the Cultivate 2012 project to warrant a conference this year, so I’m going to put those energies into other efforts. That’s not to say there couldn’t be a Cultivate 2013 conference.

The Cultivate 2012 project started as a means to help me help myself, with a tiny bit of hope that I could touch someone else’s life in the process. I’d be content at the end of the year if the only life I touch with this project is my own. If you’re content with your life as it is, by all means keep relishing it. But if you, like me, see room for improvement, take the time to be proactive and cultivate those improvements.

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#Cultivate2012 Self-Love

Happy Valentine’s Day, cultivators! Regardless of your opinions of the holiday, today is a great day to spend some time with yourself to take care of yourself — to cultivate that life you want to live. We’re mid-way through February, so it’s time to check in with ourselves to see how we’re progressing in our plans to cultivate ourselves. Here’s the mid-February Cultivate 2012 prompt:

Take some time today — a few minutes, an hour, whatever you can manage — to write a love note to yourself. Tell yourself what you love about you, and make a promise to yourself to take better care of yourself.

You don’t have to share what you come up with, but you do need to discipline that negative self-talk. Whatever negative thoughts come to mind need to be chastised with words of love and encouragement.

Edgewater Drive

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#Cultivate2012 February Prompt

Welcome to February 2012! This month is very exciting because we’ve got 29 whole days to work on cultivating ourselves, thanks to 2012 being a leap year. This month I want to take that word — leap — and absolutely leap with it. We’re going to take leaps to cultivate ourselves and our lives, and I’m very excited to share February 29th, 2012 with all of you. Here’s the February Cultivate 2012 prompt:

What leaps can you take this month to cultivate a life worth living? They say it takes baby steps, but let’s vigorously leap at the chance to life our lives to the fullest and make the most of our extra day this year.

This month I’m going to take a leap to finalize my plans for the Cultivate 2012 conference. I’m going to take a leap to invite some stellar people who I think will make this conference shine. I’m going to take a leap to take better care of myself — no more planning baby steps that I forget to take. I’m going to take a leap for myself and my family to finally make our financial situation one that can afford us the luxury of our very own place. I’m going to take a leap for myself and my business by getting the word out there and putting offerings, services, and products out there. I’m going to take a leap with my designs and my writing, and I’m going to wow all of you with dazzling words. My outlook for February calls for blue skies, puffy cumulus clouds, sunny days, and pleasant temperatures. My February calls for throwing up the sash, letting that fresh air breeze in, and further cultivating a life worth living.

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#Cultivate2012 End of January Review

Can you believe we’re already one month into 2012? January has flown by so quickly. It brought with it the fresh slate of a new beginning, the promise of big changes, and lessons in patience. Before beginning February, I thought it would be wise to review January to prepare ourselves for the next month of cultivating our lives. My prompt for you, should you choose to accept it:

What lessons did January 2012 teach you? Did January go as planned?

My January blended frustrations of 2011 with hopes for 2012. My irritation was tempered by reassurance that this chapter is drawing nearer to its end, and I need only to cultivate my patience to endure the last month (or two or three) of this situation. I expected to be purging and packing, but I’ve been searching within and outside of myself instead. While that wasn’t exactly my plan, it followed my intentions to cultivate myself and a life worth living. Searching for — and finding answers — within ourselves and in our surroundings can bring us peace of mind necessary to see the brighter things in life. I missed a few days of writing, but I know the missed days were needed absences to maintain myself.

This month I discovered a couple of similar projects, suffered from a few illnesses, and promoted my own project. I spent a good amount of free time brainstorming a conference, and next month I know I’ll finalize the details. It’s been a very productive and exciting month, and I’m even learning to be thankful for the downs because they make the ups that much sweeter. See you on the other side of the week tomorrow!

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#Manifestival2012 Intentions

Yesterday I set aside time for me — time to hang out at my favorite little cafe, sipping tea, savoring chocolate, writing, and being with myself. (And hooray! Someone else paid my tab for me! How sweet was that! I wish I could have thanked those wonderful women!) I’ve been craving alone time to just sit and hear myself think, listen to the thoughts that arise, and let the words flow from my finger tips. Admittedly, weeks 2 and 3 of 2012 haven’t been as cultivating as they should have been. In fact, this past week has been downright ridiculous. It was like a page straight out of 2011, and I wanted to shake that right off. I needed this therapeutic time to allow myself permission to give myself my undivided attention.

I brought along my laptop, a lovely new spiral notebook I got for Christmas, my little journal, and my planner. I’ve already scheduled another visit for the next payday, which also happens to be a day off. Of course, I may bring along my husband for some couple time, but as it stands this place is like a therapist’s office to me. I come here, they treat me like a valued guest, and I enjoy delicious food and drink in a peaceful, lovely environment. Today’s particularly overcast, but the low lighting works just fine. It’s not like an uncomfortably bright room in which you feel blinded by fluorescent noise. It’s like… home. It’s my sanctuary, where I’m free to writing happily and sip something warm and comforting. I’m free to be me.

I’ve been implored by this week’s manifestival prompt to reflect on 2011 and the themes each month had. So, I literally opened a new tab to review my posts for each month, jotted notes in my spiral, and meditated a bit on what each month’s theme was. Here’s what I came up with, no explanations given:

  1. January: Processing
  2. February: A New Hope
  3. March: Quiet Reverberance
  4. April: Critical Mass/ Meltdown
  5. May: Health Crisis
  6. June: Letting Go of Guilt
  7. July: Financial Crisis/ Social Withdrawal
  8. August: Settling for Less
  9. September: Attempting to Balance
  10. October: Swallowing a Tough Pill
  11. November: Focusing
  12. December: Preparation (for 2012)

Last year was filled with more than its fair share of downs and not enough ups. I struggled financially, mentally, and physically. My hopes and dreams were shattering around me, faster than I could piece them back together. This year I’d like to take those shattered remains, plant them, nurture them, and watch them grow into something even bigger than I could have hoped for. What finally went well for me was to embrace those who embraced me — no more flailing and chasing after someone would didn’t even bat an eyelash before casting me aside. The wonderful people who come here and read, comment, and express their contentment with my work are the ones who deserve my time and attention. And in fact, I learned a good lesson last year — the lesson that I must remain firmly grounded throughout my life, no matter how successful or unsuccessful I become. While it wasn’t an enjoyable year, it was a year of teachable moments, guiding me to a clearer understanding of myself, my flaws, and my talents.

It is my intention this year to become successful. I must focus. I must have discipline. I must balance. I must be patient. And above all else, I must learn all that I can. I have the resources to do so, lying dormant in my files. I cannot allow 2012 to be a repeat of 2011. I must cultivate myself — cultivate a life worth living. If it’s worthwhile, it’s worth the effort to cultivate it. And in case you hadn’t noticed, that’s my theme for 2012: cultivation.

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#Cultivate2012 Mid-Month Review

Let’s review our month so far. What have you been doing to cultivate a life worth living? What challenges have you faced so far? What solutions can you brainstorm to overcome those challenges? I’ll go first…

I’m facing the very real probability that moving day has become an indefinite again. I anticipated a higher monthly income, but the nature of my circumstances is such that I’m still incapable of getting that shiny new place. I found a place that seemed almost too good to be true, even — and it was. The pet deposit was obscene. You cannot claim to be pet friendly if you charge a per-pet pet deposit — it’s the same carpeting that would be replaced once. Asides from the carpeting, I can’t imagine what else they’d need money for. I paid a $100 pet deposit once for any and all pets I’d ever have when I lived in my last apartment complex. But I digress. I’m faced with the probability that even March 1st may not be reasonable unless I take aggressive actions in order to remove myself from this situation. The ugly D-monster has been rearing its angry head, pinning me to the ground with a vengeance, telling me I’m not good enough to make it.

Those are my challenges. Now, I do have some ideas brainstormed to overcome these challenges, but I do need to maintain a certain level of ambiguity with regards to those ideas. Those actions are easier planned than completed, though. To some extent, I also have to rely on others to complete those actions, too. However, there are a great number of things I can do to cultivate a life worth living for the interim. It’s going to require allowing myself to feel anxious, angry, frustrated, and depressed when those emotions arise. When those emotions arise, it’s best not to try talking myself out of it. Instead, I need to care for myself. I need to step away from what I’m doing and whatever’s upsetting me, and I need to drink some water or tea and rest. It takes a lot more energy to be unhappy than it does to be happy, I’ve found. If I give myself some time to rest and recoup my energy, I can better face the challenges ahead of me. Admittedly, I haven’t been cultivating good sleeping habits anyway. I also haven’t enjoyed enough tea (or infusions, for that matter). A little simple self-care and solitude can make a huge difference in my outlook, and I need to stop approaching life as though these simple steps are unreasonable. They’re not. I’m human, and my energy reserves and limits are finite. I must accept that in order to cultivate a life worth living.

The dates may have changed, but situations and circumstances don’t change over night. It’s our responsibility to change our perspectives and our situations — which also can’t happen. That’s why the Cultivate project exists. It will take some time to cultivate ourselves and our lives, but it’s going to be a worthwhile journey.

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