Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
When I opened my email this morning and found this prompt waiting for me, I immediately locked up. This is like that essay I had in my final semester of undergrad: when did you realize you were not a child anymore? Really? I need to choose one particular moment? Honestly, the progression from child to adult was a rather complex and drawn out process. And now to choose one particular moment in which I felt most alive this year seems equally challenging. By 10pm, I had flopped on the bed while watching the baby explore the room, contemplating when I last felt most alive. To be honest, the last time I felt the most alive was on November 3rd, 2009 — but that’s last year. I realized I had a lot of reflection to do and some serious back tracking.
After getting the baby to bed and finishing up with my daily internet readings, I decided to go over previous journal entries. I started with LiveJournal, which proved to be the correct course of actions. I felt the most alive this year right around February 16th when I discovered the relatives of my biological father. Actually, I take that back — the moment I got the test results that confirmed my biological father’s paternity was the exact moment I felt the most alive this year. For over 26 years I hadn’t had any interaction with this man, and then I finally answered some questions about him. While things didn’t quite pan out with that, it’s still comforting to have all those answers.
Life is complex. I think I woke up one day, looked around, realized I was miserable in my marriage, but was blessed with two incredible kids and thought…Wow, this is what I rushed for?
I’m smarter now, but it’s still hard to accept that I’m all grown up. I still don’t feel it.