#Trust30 Fault and Change

Fault and Change by Carlos Miceli

I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of all the things that are not working in your life. That job you don’t like, that relationship that’s not working, those friends that annoy you. Now turn them all on you. Imagine that everything that’s not working in your life, is your fault. How would you approach it? What would you work on to change your life to the state that you want it to be?

Thinking more along those terms, it’s true — it IS my fault. Everything. I’ve made decisions to be where I am right now, so I only have myself to blame for anything and everything that’s not working in my life. In fact, I’m going to go a step farther and admit something right here and now: I’m depressed. It’s this situation. Who would enjoy something like this? I certainly don’t. When I go out somewhere, I smell like I’m the one sitting there, puffing away on cigarettes all day long. My hair, my clothes — everything. It’s permeated through everything I own. I knew it would, too. I knew the smoking wouldn’t stop just because we were going to be moving here. Oh, but that’s only one facet of my circumstances. To make a very long story short, I have been wallowing much more than doing over the past several months. I could have and should have been able to make my business a viable option earlier this year. I should have been working hard — what else did I have to do? I certainly wasn’t busy working for someone else. And so you see, it really is all my fault. I haven’t fought hard enough, and it shows.

I’m supposed to be a pillar of strength, but there are many deep cracks in my foundation. If I’m going to change anything at all, I’m going to have to change myself first. I know that I have been doing well enough to change the situation for the past few weeks, but I’m still feeling like I haven’t given myself enough attention. It was through Gwen Bell today that I realized it all boils down to one very important guideline: love yourself. I don’t think I do that nearly as much as I should. If nothing else, I must approach my dilemma with love for myself and encourage myself to continue doing so. Nothing gets accomplished when you simply throw yourself onto the nearest piece of furniture, pondering misery, and merely wallowing in negative self-talk. And just because my laundry’s getting washed, dryed, folded, and put away doesn’t mean I’m ending the day on a high note — my to-do can’t just be about the day-to-day anymore. I’ve got to include tasks that involve recovery. After all, my theme for September has been balance and recovery. As I adjust to my new job, I notice that each subsequent day I’m feeling less worn out and less achy.

I must work on myself in order to advance myself. If I don’t take care of myself, who will?