Category: Reverb 15

Your last challenge for Reverb15 is to write your manifesto for 2016.

Kat recommended Alexandra Franzen’s 5 Ways to Write a Blow-Your-Mind Manifesto, in addition to reminding us of last year’s Day 21 post. I thought it would be neat to look at what I said last year, recap how that transcended into 2-15, write another list of statements for 2016, and then take a shot at the manifesto. I have had a soft spot for manifestos for almost 10 years now, thanks to taking several classes with Dr. Gregory Ulmer.

In 2015, I am open to… changes. I am open to the possibilities that will unfold before me. I am open to ideas that may not yet be known to me. I did indeed stay open to possibilities and new ideas. Plans changed, and I stayed open to the experiences.
In 2015, I want to feel… safe, loved, and nurtured. I want to feel that life is beautiful once again and unafraid of what’s next. I have felt that life is beautiful again. I still have moments of fear about the future, but I think I’m learning better techniques to feel the fear without becoming totally unglued.
In 2015, I will say no to… living in fear. I will say no to compromising myself when I know full well I can’t nurture others unless I’ve nurtured myself. I’ve had my moments. However, I have put my needs and those of my family forward this year. I took an extended break from tutoring, and I took the summer off of blogging.
In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. Good habits will feel natural, and I will see the happiness reflected in the faces of my children. On days when I have stuck to my intentions, I’ve seen the results. Good habits still aren’t coming as naturally as I’d like…
But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly… remind myself of all I have overcome. I certainly have the strength and ability to overcome so much, and there’s no reason to revert to fear, anxiety, worry, and depression. I always remembered what I have survived. I had a terrifying panic attack in June, but I have reminded myself of who I am and what I’m capable of.
In December 2015, I want to look back and say… I have accomplished my intentions of nurturing myself and my loved ones. I want to look back and say that I followed my heart and my dreams, that I found my path once again. I’m not quite clear on things just yet, but I know that I’m finding my path once again. I’ve followed my heart and dreams. I’ve been nurturing myself and my little core family. I think I’ve had a fairly good 2015.

In 2016, I am open to… restoring good habits and traditions that didn’t come naturally the last year and a half. I’m open to more possibilities and new ideas — to the answers finding me.
In 2016, I want to feel… refreshed, recharged, revived, healed, nurtured, and restored.
In 2016, I will say no to… negative thoughts, words, and actions. Too many times I’ve allowed the negativity of others poison my days. I’m firmly saying no from now on. I want to restore myself — that requires positivity energy.
In 2016, I will know I am on the right track when… I feel healthy, strong, fit, flexible, renewed, motivated, and accomplished. I will see it reflected in my surroundings and loved ones.
But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly… practice gratitude and happiness. Somehow writing things out always makes me feel better.
In December 2016, I want to look back and say… I had another good year — in fact, I want to say I’ve had a great year. I want to look back on this post, smile fondly, and remember that I’m strong and capable. I’m a woman of great character, and I want to continue building upon that character.

And now for the manifesto: I believe in the mysterious — in fate; I don’t believe in waiting idly for what you want. I want to live in a world where my children can grow and thrive as individuals, where people smile more often, laugh a lot, and stop being so uptight. Here’s what I know for sure: you win more flies with sugar than vinegar. Always smile!

Today, I invite you to think about the great unknowns in your life right now. Say to yourself this morning: “I am open to the answers finding me”. Then stay alert with as many senses as you can throughout the course of the day. In what form did the answers find you?

I am incredibly late. It’s alright tomorrow on the other side of the world. I’ve sat with this prompt, however, and stayed open for the answers to find me. The answer always finds me: patience. One day at a time. Practice. Put forth the effort, even when it feels like two steps backwards for every one step forward. Put the thoughts out into the universe — express it to others, and what you want will find you. I see it when I read someone else’s status message or tweet. I see it in books, magazines, newspapers, and websites. I hear it in other people’s conversations. The message is always the same, though. I must be patience, work hard, and take it one day at a time.

So I invite you to consider: where could you (like me) consider turning it up a few notches in the new year?

I think when it comes to keeping my body able to grow older without losing strength or flexibility, I could turn it up. I could — and do intend to — exercise more. I stopped walking after my panic attack. This is obviously counterintuitive, but I spent more time contemplating how I got there and actively working to fix those problems. I think it’s been more than enough time for me to restore my walking habit and exercise practices. I think because I’ve been so tired all the time that I have decided to just be lazy, but that’s really not an excuse to let my muscles become weaker and more easily tired. I just need to amp up the power.

I’m also looking to amp my writing and business. Far too many things consumed my time needlessly this year. I’ve been letting other people’s dreams get in the way of mine, and at the risk of appearing “out of control,” I’m going to pursue what makes me happy. I’m going to pursue what makes me feel like I can give my children everything they need to go out into the world and pursue their own dreams.

Think of three important portal points – one in the past, the present, and one you hope to have in the future – and join them together into one powerful and personal gateway into 2015. Where will walking through this gateway lead you in this upcoming new year?

It came to me: the past point was December 2012. I had such a sense of purpose, determination, and hope. I’m here now, trying to find my way back — or even just a way in general. I hope to see that point in the future when I’m living my dreams. Combining these three points together into a portal, I will be lead to a new way of life. I cannot continue on with the status quo if I expect to see change. I cannot restore myself and my purpose if I continue reliving the past and allowing the poison of it to drain my soul. I will find my way, and I will revive my dreams.

Imagine one such crayon would be bestowed upon you on New Year’s Eve 2015: what would you draw to ensure 2016 had everything you need?

I fondly remember Harold and the Purple Crayon, and I wonder why I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy since my children were born. If I was given a magic crayon on New Year’s Eve, I would draw a beautiful house. Each of my children would have their own room, decorated with their favorites. My kitchen would be spacious and inviting so that I can create memorable meals and treats. I would draw two vehicles — one for commuting, one for family. They would be so lovely, shiny, and functional. I would draw a garden filled with fruits, vegetables, and beautiful flowers. I would draw a beautiful home office — I would draw the website I want to create, to draw the clients to me. I would draw beautiful sunny days. I would draw peaceful rainy days. I would draw spring flowers and autumn leaves. I would draw beaches and snowy mountains. I would draw and draw and draw until the wax was no more.

If we were to peek into the book of your year, what might we find? What magic do you carry that people need to look a bit deeply to see?

I wear my smile as though it were a vital garment to cover my extremities. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, having people remarked on my smile over the course of my life. And while I’ve smiled through 2015 just as I always do, it seemingly hides the pain and suffering shut tightly underneath. I’ve smiled through a great deal of pain and misfortune, and while this year has been kinder, I have only nurtured the wounds of the past. They wounds and scars still hurt, and I think it must be magic that I’m capable of pretending to be as carefree and cheery as I do. Some days I fake it the whole way through, and others I find the little things easier and smile naturally. Smiling’s my super power. What’s yours?

What small pleasures gave you moments of intense joy in 2015? What more could you cultivate in 2016?

Cups of tea. Laying in my hammock. Mugs of coffee. Glasses of water. Glasses of wine. Chocolate. Napping. Watching  movies with my family. Baking. Cooking. Fleece pants. Snapping photos. Coloring. Writing. Doodling. Of course, I’m kind of a pro when it comes to enjoying the smaller things in life. When life starts to suck, I look for rainbows and stars. In 2016, I’m going to continue cultivating my skill for finding the silver lining.

Tell us about transformation.

It’s been a slow progression over the last few years. A crease here, a stray gray there, little extra aches and pains. The people I interact with don’t see what I see — or feel what I feel. They try to convince me that it’s just a myth, that it won’t happen to me. Some days I fight against it and try to believe the compliments. Other days, I realize that this is an eventuality to be understood and accepted. Aging. It happens to all of us. We will all lose our youth sooner or later. Thus far, I’ve been lucky. My hair maintains the beautiful shade of brunette. A healthy amount of water and appropriate moisturize cleans the lines from deepening too soon. I try to focus on my health so that I can enjoy a quality life as my body eases into the next phases of life. This year I haven’t moved my body as often as I should have. I haven’t always made time for self-care. Next year, I intend to further increase my health and vitality so that when the gray hairs and wrinkles come, I can still enjoy my life.

What are you going to shake off with fierceness before you enter the new year?

I’m going to shake off this fog that’s been clouding my vision and mind for the whole year. The fog rolled in back in January 2013, and even though circumstances have cleared up, the fog hasn’t. I intend to enter 2016 with such fierceness that all the past fears me instead of being as it currently is.

Can you think of an instance in the past year where you have been successful at making fear useful? What fears do you hold about the year ahead? And how could you use the energy of those fears in a different way?

I have made fear useful when our vehicle began failing. I put our plans on hold to make sure our van would be safe to transport our family from the many places we go. I made use of fear when I thought for certain I was having a heart attack, only to learn that panic attacks can mimic them quite well. I had no choice but to start exploring why I was so anxious and how to accommodate myself. As far as the year ahead, I’m scared that we’ll still be struggling as we have this year. I’m scared that our van will completely break down before we buy a new vehicle. I’m scared that I’ll have to fly by the seat of my pants once again. I’m scared that I’ll never figure out what I’d like to do with my life — that I’ll be stagnant. Instead of letting those fears take over and inducing anxiety, I will use these energies to motivate myself to make changes where they need to be made. I will take note of the fear, let it exist, and calmly move forward. I have learned one important lesson about life in the last 5 years: it goes on and gets better. Even when everything seems to crumble at your feet, the curve goes back up every time. It just takes patience and perspective.