Author: Meredith

Think of three important portal points – one in the past, the present, and one you hope to have in the future – and join them together into one powerful and personal gateway into 2015. Where will walking through this gateway lead you in this upcoming new year?

It came to me: the past point was December 2012. I had such a sense of purpose, determination, and hope. I’m here now, trying to find my way back — or even just a way in general. I hope to see that point in the future when I’m living my dreams. Combining these three points together into a portal, I will be lead to a new way of life. I cannot continue on with the status quo if I expect to see change. I cannot restore myself and my purpose if I continue reliving the past and allowing the poison of it to drain my soul. I will find my way, and I will revive my dreams.

Imagine one such crayon would be bestowed upon you on New Year’s Eve 2015: what would you draw to ensure 2016 had everything you need?

I fondly remember Harold and the Purple Crayon, and I wonder why I haven’t gotten my hands on a copy since my children were born. If I was given a magic crayon on New Year’s Eve, I would draw a beautiful house. Each of my children would have their own room, decorated with their favorites. My kitchen would be spacious and inviting so that I can create memorable meals and treats. I would draw two vehicles — one for commuting, one for family. They would be so lovely, shiny, and functional. I would draw a garden filled with fruits, vegetables, and beautiful flowers. I would draw a beautiful home office — I would draw the website I want to create, to draw the clients to me. I would draw beautiful sunny days. I would draw peaceful rainy days. I would draw spring flowers and autumn leaves. I would draw beaches and snowy mountains. I would draw and draw and draw until the wax was no more.

If we were to peek into the book of your year, what might we find? What magic do you carry that people need to look a bit deeply to see?

I wear my smile as though it were a vital garment to cover my extremities. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, having people remarked on my smile over the course of my life. And while I’ve smiled through 2015 just as I always do, it seemingly hides the pain and suffering shut tightly underneath. I’ve smiled through a great deal of pain and misfortune, and while this year has been kinder, I have only nurtured the wounds of the past. They wounds and scars still hurt, and I think it must be magic that I’m capable of pretending to be as carefree and cheery as I do. Some days I fake it the whole way through, and others I find the little things easier and smile naturally. Smiling’s my super power. What’s yours?

What small pleasures gave you moments of intense joy in 2015? What more could you cultivate in 2016?

Cups of tea. Laying in my hammock. Mugs of coffee. Glasses of water. Glasses of wine. Chocolate. Napping. Watching  movies with my family. Baking. Cooking. Fleece pants. Snapping photos. Coloring. Writing. Doodling. Of course, I’m kind of a pro when it comes to enjoying the smaller things in life. When life starts to suck, I look for rainbows and stars. In 2016, I’m going to continue cultivating my skill for finding the silver lining.

Tell us about transformation.

It’s been a slow progression over the last few years. A crease here, a stray gray there, little extra aches and pains. The people I interact with don’t see what I see — or feel what I feel. They try to convince me that it’s just a myth, that it won’t happen to me. Some days I fight against it and try to believe the compliments. Other days, I realize that this is an eventuality to be understood and accepted. Aging. It happens to all of us. We will all lose our youth sooner or later. Thus far, I’ve been lucky. My hair maintains the beautiful shade of brunette. A healthy amount of water and appropriate moisturize cleans the lines from deepening too soon. I try to focus on my health so that I can enjoy a quality life as my body eases into the next phases of life. This year I haven’t moved my body as often as I should have. I haven’t always made time for self-care. Next year, I intend to further increase my health and vitality so that when the gray hairs and wrinkles come, I can still enjoy my life.

What are you going to shake off with fierceness before you enter the new year?

I’m going to shake off this fog that’s been clouding my vision and mind for the whole year. The fog rolled in back in January 2013, and even though circumstances have cleared up, the fog hasn’t. I intend to enter 2016 with such fierceness that all the past fears me instead of being as it currently is.

Can you think of an instance in the past year where you have been successful at making fear useful? What fears do you hold about the year ahead? And how could you use the energy of those fears in a different way?

I have made fear useful when our vehicle began failing. I put our plans on hold to make sure our van would be safe to transport our family from the many places we go. I made use of fear when I thought for certain I was having a heart attack, only to learn that panic attacks can mimic them quite well. I had no choice but to start exploring why I was so anxious and how to accommodate myself. As far as the year ahead, I’m scared that we’ll still be struggling as we have this year. I’m scared that our van will completely break down before we buy a new vehicle. I’m scared that I’ll have to fly by the seat of my pants once again. I’m scared that I’ll never figure out what I’d like to do with my life — that I’ll be stagnant. Instead of letting those fears take over and inducing anxiety, I will use these energies to motivate myself to make changes where they need to be made. I will take note of the fear, let it exist, and calmly move forward. I have learned one important lesson about life in the last 5 years: it goes on and gets better. Even when everything seems to crumble at your feet, the curve goes back up every time. It just takes patience and perspective.

“Muriel Rukeyser once wrote: “The Universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”And I could not agree more. Our stories are our own but, in sharing them, they become universal. And timeless. ” — Kat completely gets me, as does Muriel Rukeyser. I found a picture once before that expressed this same sentiment. (“The universe is not made of atoms. It’s made of TINY STORIES.”) Now, on to the prompt…

What stories touched you this year? Which stories of your own are you glad you shared?

I was touched by the stories of Rhonda Rousey, our close-ups of Pluto, and the Paris attacks. The Chattanooga attack horrified and saddened me. I live about 20 minutes away from Chattanooga, and I’m quite familiar with the location of the shootings. The senseless loss of life never ceases to disturb me. Of course, quite a handful of friends have given birth or become pregnant, which renews my hope for the world. My childbearing days are behind me, but I do adore fawning over someone else’s precious newborn — reminiscing in the days of my children’s infancy.

I’m glad I’ve shared my story of struggles with our vehicle and how we’ve made the best of the situation. Perception and attitude are everything in life, and I know we’ve definitely turned a depressing situation into both an adventure and a lesson. I’ve shared my hopes and my disappointments equally because that’s more true to life. The sun won’t always shine, but the rain clears up, too.

What radical act of love or non-conformity did you embrace this year? How did performing this alchemy affect your ancestors and what is the gold waiting to be shared with future relations?

This year I embraced staying put, even though our plans didn’t originally involve staying here – even though I felt the pressure to finish what I started. The ripples shook the family because we all had our own expectations, but there’s no use arguing with a worn out vehicle and the cosmic signs that come with it. It took a little digesting at first, but I think it’s become an accepted fact of life now. This decision to wait until we can replace our vehicle and plan our next steps from there has allowed our children to maintain friendships. They’ve been given the opportunity to enjoy another set of seasons.

Like, what if you had to give someone a recipe for how to make a YOU? What major ingredients are required? What method do you recommend? How would your je ne sais quoi be recreated?

To make a “me,” you need strength, love, courage, kindness, audacity, quirkiness, caffeine (tea or coffee will do), chocolate, and a willingness to find the lesson in all things. It takes time, patience, perseverance, adversity, blessings, and lessons. My essence, as I’ve been told, is a rare and beautiful one — even though I may not always believe it to be as such. When I step outside of myself, I see a tender-hearted human being. When I silence my demons, I realize that I am everything I need to be, that everything I need is within me. Sometimes I lose sight of this — of myself. But then we have wonderful prompt series that remind me of who I am and who I want to be.