Wow. I’m so far removed from 2013 that I don’t recall my most vivid dream(s). I want to say that I dreamt mostly about my family being together as we should, but everything is so hazy. I do remember I dream I had that led me to a realization that I’m insecure and unhappy with myself. Part of the problem lies in that I’m uncomfortable parenting solo. I’m uncomfortable trying to flesh out solitude when I’ve got a ridiculous number of responsibilities crammed in my face. And let’s be honest here — I have failed miserably at treating my body with the love and respect it deserves in order to make the rest of my life enjoyable. I’ve put far to many products that masquerade as “food” into my mouth due to emotional eating and/ or financial strain.
I guess the message in a bottle that I keep shuffling to the bottom of my stack is that I can’t keep this up. It’s okay to need help from others — to delegate and be realistic. A very out-of-touch person I dealt with last year had the audacity to say that I was TOO dependent, meanwhile I’ve always had a problem asking for help. I’m a do-it-yourselfer. I have clear ideas in my head of what I’d like to accomplish, and I find it usually easier to depend on myself. Because of her false opinions of me, I felt the need to prove that I’m a lone wolf ready to defend and tackle everything head-up and solo. That’s not healthy or just.
With that being said, it’s time to stop treating my body like a dumpster. It’s time to stop trying to be super-human. It’s time to realize that I am a mortal creature who needs nurturing, too. I don’t have to martyr myself for someone else’s sick intentions. Sure, things aren’t ever going to be perfect, but nurturing myself increases my ability to nurture those dearest to me for a longer period of time.
