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Mindful Monday (August 2nd)

As I was showering this evening, I lost the time between squeezing the shampoo into the palm of my hand and exfoliating my skin. Did I wash my hair? I thought to myself. I couldn’t remember the process of lathering my hair, massaging the shampoo into my scalp to clean away any impurities. I couldn’t remember rinsing the shampoo down the drain — I couldn’t. What had I been doing as I was washing my hair? I was realizing that it’s been an entire month since this impromptu vacation began. I was recalling the emotions, recalling how I felt the moment I was given the bad news. As I was grabbing my facial scrub, I shook myself out of that and reminded myself to just let it go. It’s over, it’s done with, there’s no point to giving that moment in my life further attention. And somehow, that crept back into my mind and stole a few moments from me yet again. It’s amazing how one’s habits are so deeply ingrained. It’s been about seven months since I began my quest to become more mindful, and — while I could do better in regards to being present in the moment — I’ve made serious strides to stay mindful and truly appreciate every moment.

That being said, I intend to begin tracking my time during the upcoming week. Really, where is it all going? Some days, I feel that I am squandering my talents and could be doing more to make this upheaval work in my favor. Other days, I feel I’m giving it my all and doing my absolute best. I guess it just depends on how the day goes. So this week I’ll be tracking everything I do for every hour. Check back next Monday to see how I did.

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Don’t You Know Who I Am?

I’ll admit it — I’ve had some pretty rough days in the past couple of weeks. Some days I’ve coped better than others, but days like yesterday? It’s all I can do to just coast through my day. I sat up thinking about things. I couldn’t shut off my mind. This happened the night before, too — come to think of it, nearly every night my typical train of thought involves this state of upheaval. It can get pretty depressing. And then, I came to a realization.

Earlier this year, I discovered that I survived a threatened miscarriage. I somehow defied the odds for a whole ten months (approximately 46 weeks). Throughout my childhood, I defied odds. When I was five, I fell back and hit my head on a sharp corner in my room. I laid down in my bed to take a nap after that fall because I felt tired. Had my parents not come in to check on me, I might not be here right now. We moved around so much throughout my childhood, and yet I still managed to graduate high school with honors and go onto my first and only choice of college. In fact, I was a fairly good kid — I got picked on for being a goody-goody! Even though I got pregnant young, I still managed to graduate college with my Bachelors. You don’t even want to know what my first apartment was like — the fears of violent assault loomed over my head every single day for nearly two and a half years of my young adulthood. I made it into a nicer apartment. That second apartment? My neighbors caused a fire that destroyed nearly every apartment in that building — except for mine. All of our stuff was safe and secure. Perhaps one of my most defining moments in life happened when I gave birth to my youngest within the confines of my own living room — even though his two older siblings had been c-section babies. The tale of this great accomplishment has circulated the Internet many times.

Don’t you know who I am?! I’m not some push-over. I’m not a wimp. I’ve clawed my way out of worse situations, and this whole messy ordeal will become nothing more than an unpleasant memory of a less than stellar time. It will become nothing more than fodder for my ambitions — ambitions to become something so much more than just an ordinary person blazing a trail to the grave. No, I’m not going out without a fight. It’s not always fun to have to fight through it, but I can do this. I have something much more important than several zeros before the decimal point on a paycheck. I have something much more than power in an influential company. I have ambition. I have determination. I have a proven track record. For crying out loud, I’m practically legendary among the circles of ICAN! People now come to me for advice on who to hire! Don’t think for one second I can’t do this. Just watch me. I will come out ahead, and I will come out a better person.

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Several Documents Later…

I spent much of the weekend researching freelancing, consulting, and just general independent contracting. I’ve got several documents of information pulled together now, and I feel confident that I have plenty of resources all at my finger tips. Now comes the hard part — making sense of it all. It definitely is a lot of information to sift through even after scouring the internet. Of course, it’s definitely worth the effort because this is what I’d like to do in a lucrative capacity at some point in the future. All this information will better enable me to create a viable business plan and set realistic, achievable goals for myself.

Tomorrow I will be kicking my job hunt into high gear. There will be several sources scoured, companies and businesses researched, resume polishing, cover letter creation and customization, and application submissions. It’s apparently a science, as you can find just by searching the web. In all honestly, sometimes it’s important to have that day job to fund our passions, even if our passions aren’t ever meant to supplant the day job as primary income. Regardless, I shall be doing my best to stand out from the crowd. Seriously, how many other candidates remember to bring a portfolio? I nailed an interview just by having that beautiful little folder of my work along for the occasion — and I can do it again.

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Pressing On

I have yet to devise a plan of action and truly organize my thoughts, but I have been socially networking in the hopes that I can find a connection much easier — after all, that’s partially how I got the job I just lost in the first place. I find myself feeling more and more connected to the ever popular Dooce, and I do intend to reach out to her for advice. In the mean time, let me tell you a little more about myself.

I am a graduate of the University of Florida with a Bachelor of Arts in English. I had the distinct pleasure of studying with Dr. Gregory L. Ulmer, a pioneer in the fields of electracy and hypermedia studies. Under his tutelage, I found a passion in Internet literature — more specifically, it’s on my life list to make a living off of my writing in print and on the Internet. This blog itself is considered Internet literature. The best job I’ve had since graduation was my position as a secretary in the University of Florida’s Department of Materials Science and Engineering. I started my two and a half year journey having no idea what the field of Materials Science and Engineering covered. Now, I can’t understand why I didn’t know about it in the first place. In addition to learning something new just about everyday, I was charged with answering incoming calls, sorting mail, logging packages, keeping track of keys, submitting maintenance work orders, greeting visitors, and keeping track of graduate seminar attendance. I took it upon myself to work on the newsletter, slowly gaining more and more responsibilities until I finally had the opportunity to design and edit the entire newsletter from scratch utilizing Adobe CS 4 InDesign. I also coordinated events, such as the departmental career workshop before the recession kicked into high gear. I discovered the joy in planning events — choosing caterers, locating a venue, working with venders and guests, etc. I assisted in preparations for the 50th anniversary events, and I feel honored to have been a part of that department during such a wonderful time. The people I worked with more often than not brought me joy, and I did my very best to always be a smiling, friendly face with whom the students, faculty, staff, and visitors could easily converse. Upon my departure for what I thought were greener pastures, many people expressed sadness to see me leave. I discovered that I impacted them just as much as they impacted me.

This brings me to what I’d like to find. I’m seeking a family-friendly, family-oriented environment. Ideally, I’d like to work with other parents who are working to live and not living to work. If your office is filled with family photos and your children’s artwork, if your weekends are spent hanging out with your family, we will get along quite well. Your place of employment should encourage camaraderie and value high morale among all employees. Everyone should feel part of the team — right down to the janitors who made the work environment clean and livable. You could not operate without them, so making them feel welcomed and appreciated is very important. I would very much like to continue working in the same capacity that I have been for the past few years. More specifically, I would like to function as a secretary, administrative assistant, or an executive assistant. I would like to have the opportunity to coordinate events and edit publications. Should you have something more specific to the marketing and communications aspect, I am more than willing to make the transition to that specialization. In fact, I would welcome the opportunity to begin specializing in publications.

In addition to seeking a permanent status position with an employer, I am also looking to begin my career as an English consultant and independent writer and editor. I will be explaining my business plans in more detail in the coming days. I welcome any advice, comments, ideas, recommendations, and suggestions you can provide, so please feel free to send those thoughts my way.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. — Seneca

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Impromptu Vacation

It’s actually quite funny in a cosmic sense. I mean, I did feel like I needed a vacation. I did want to be my own boss and not have to answer to someone else on their schedule. But not on these terms. It’s also funny how you learn that some people aren’t really your friends and will take the first opportunity to stab you in the back, put words into your mouth, and see that you are wronged. I will be doing some serious soul-searching with regards to whom I associate with in the next 24 hours, but for right now I have plenty of important things to handle first. In fact, let’s get onto that point right now. I’m now a free agent thanks to a gross misunderstanding.

So now I’m left scrambling to figure out finances. My husband and I are clearly going to have to play a game of who can find employment first again. I intend to contact whoever I can to do whatever I can to make sure this does not ruin my career. And who knows? Perhaps this is my chance to make my writing work for me. In the meantime, I will be accepting donations via paypal for a mother of three who’s down on her luck. Sometimes our plans in life don’t go according to plan, and sometimes other people step in to sway your path in another direction. And honestly, I’ve been in a similar position once before. We went through an uncomfortable period of time, and life began to look quite hopeless. Just when I thought it was done, that everything was going to fall apart, my old boss at UF MSE gave me a job. In fact, when I left that job I knew I was going to miss his management style the most. I knew I would miss the fact that he was more like an old friend than a boss.

So, today starts a new adventure for me and my family. I don’t know where we’re going, but I’m going to do my best to stay positive and mindful during the journey. I’m going to do my absolute best to make sure the journey takes us to a place that’s even better than I could have imagined before. And so you know, I already know I can apply for an assistanceship for grad school as long as I agree to teach some undergrad classes — the grad school application will be going forward regardless at this point. I’m not going to let a few people who’ve just spat in my face stop me from giving my family the best life I can. You can strike me down, but you cannot prevent me from doing great things in life. You can’t stop me from writing. You can’t stop me from bringing awareness to injustices. You can’t stop me from being the best wife and mother I can be. And you certainly can’t stop me from pursuing my goals. You aren’t that powerful. Only my maker can call me away from this life, and until He does, I am here to continue working towards my authentic self. Bad circumstances be damned.

If you’d like to help, you can donate to my paypal account via meri1030@gmail.com. You can also pass along that email address to recruiters. I’m a free agent, and I’m ready to rock the socks off of a family-friendly boss.

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In Pursuit of Knowledge

It’s hard to believe nearly a month has flown by since I last put text to these digital pages, yet it feels like I haven’t written for many months. Aside from the obvious transitioning into a new job with that self-expectation to perform at a certain level, I have continued to internalize much of my thoughts. One such consideration has been the benefit of waived tuition in order to earn my Master of Arts in English. Under the Employee Education Program, the University will waive up to 6 credit hours of tuition and fees for full time employees who have been with the University (or more specifically, been in a benefited position) for at least six months. The Department of English only starts students in the Fall semesters, therefore I most definitely cannot start until Fall 2011. However, this gives me plenty of time to write my statement of purpose, write a 15 page essay (literary criticism and theory), get three letters of recommendation, study for and take the GRE, and request two copies of my undergraduate transcripts. Fortunately, most English professors here at UF tend to use small paperback books, so I don’t foresee the cost of books as a significant problem. (I do, however, pine for the loss of Goerings Bookstore — such a shame they went out of business.)

To what end will I use my virtually free MA? Honestly, it’s more or less a matter of personal enlightenment. It’s a matter of studying with a very important figure in media studies, particular of the digital medium. This pursuit is strictly meant to better myself. Whether or not it increases my net worth is of little concern to me — imagine that, a human being less concerned with monetary gain and more concerned with self-betterment. Obviously, I previously decided against this pursuit because there wasn’t a good enough reason to take out loans in order to pay for my education. But how can I refuse an offer to a free graduate education? I simply cannot allow such an amazing opportunity slip through my fingers so easily. The baby will be nearly two by the time I start, my daughter will be four and a half, and my oldest son will be a nine-year-old. Quite frankly, I know from past experience that I know how to work my schedule, and I also know that I’m quite good at taking English classes. It’s nothing you sit around studying all day, every day. You don’t cram equations into your head until 4am, continually nursing coffee, always in fear of the next exam that could make or break your college career. No, this is different. Sure, you study. Sure, you have tests and/ or projects. But none of it is like that. “Oh, but this is GRAD school you’re talking about!” Yes, I know. I’m well aware of the fact that each successive level of education is hardest than the previous — but when it’s something specific to what you’d like to learn, when you enjoy what you learn, some of that difficulty melts away. When you are studying with someone brilliant, you take the time to absorb that brilliance, to hopefully gain some of that brilliance yourself. Like many literary theorists who came before him, Dr. Ulmer will be studied and critiqued. I would have to be absolutely, positively stupid to allow this to pass me by. With an IQ of 160, I have a certain level of self-expectation that dictates I have the capacity to be brilliant, and you’d better believe that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I did not go forward with this plan.

In the grand scheme of things, this program of study will give me more knowledge and more ability to make this — my writing — work as a full-time gig. While I don’t know just yet if I’m willing to part with excellent benefits, I still want to see my writing become something bigger than it is. A quaint little URL on the Internet is lovely and all, but there’s something much more gratifying about the thought of something bound in print, something inked on paper, something tangible. Much as I love this intangible binary that somehow manages to project images from all over the world, I love print media. The smell of a new book. The smell of an old book. The lack of a brighty glowing screen glaring in your face, straining your eyes. I admit, I can’t live without my instant access to Google, but at the end of the day my eyes hate me for it.

So, this may be the reacclimation to posting, or this may be a blip. It all depends on how well I feel I’ve moved past my internalization.

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Turkey Countdown

So much to do, so little time:

  • Clean the kitchen floor
  • Wash all the dishes
  • Clean out the fridge
  • Clean the main bathroom
  • Clean the dining room
  • Clean the living room
  • Pick out clothes for me and the kids
  • Buy butter, eggs, cat litter, and anything else needed before Thursday
  • Bake cookies
  • Brine the turkey

Sore muscles or not, I will prevail. Out of curiosity, what do you think I’d be suited for career-wise? Like I said, I’m simply curious.

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