Reverb 10: Body Integration

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

At first glance, I both knew the answer and denied knowing a possible answer. A very specific moment came to mind, and upon further reflection I know it’s the exact moment this year in which I felt as though my mind and body were quite cohesive. It was July 1st when I got fired. I refuse to describe the thoughts and emotions, the words and people present — it’s far too emotional and intimate. I don’t think I’ve even described exactly how I felt to my husband because the gravity of the situation is so incredible. However, I do realize that moment of cohesion has set the tone for the second half of my 2010. This prompt has given me the opportunity to explore my feelings and my current state of being.

You’ll recall I was anxious about accepting that job offer in the first place. Something nagged at me. Don’t take it. Don’t accept it. You can do better. Of course, somehow the general negativity that pervades our society can drag you down right along with everyone else. You listen to what other people say about how this other person did this and that. You determine your self-worth based on others. You compare yourself to others every day. And that’s just the problem. Okay, so some other person has x amount of years more experience than I do. Should that matter as far as I’m worth? Not a chance. What she’s done is what she’s done. What I’ve done is separate from her. Therefore, I should worry less about what everyone else thinks and more about what I think. I apparently have a good intuition.

I also realized that I had strayed from my path. Call it divine intervention. Call it coincidence. Call it chance. Regardless, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life in which I experience setbacks if I’ve strayed from my calling. For years and years I struggled to fulfill a destiny that wasn’t mine to be had. There were signs along the way that I didn’t understand. I remember as far back as 9th grade, when I devoted my Saturdays to volunteering at an animal hospital. I did this for experience and volunteer credit. I wanted to get my foot in the door, to shadow those in the position I thought I would someday hold. Due to age concerns, I wasn’t hired on. I watched as some people who really just needed a job — any job — got the job I coveted. I thought it was unfair. Really though, they needed the money whereas I just wanted the official title on my resume. Still, I couldn’t get the job. I noticed my inability to comprehend the equations in Chemistry. Foolishly, I figured it wasn’t that important if I was still about to make a B in the class. I think I would have realized the severity of my situation if the teacher placed more emphasis on the equations. I would have realized Chemistry isn’t necessarily all about knowing how many protons and neurons are in each atom. I would have realized it had nothing to do with making a food model of an atom, either. Unfortunately, another sign went unheeded.

Fast forward to college graduation. Jobs that didn’t further my personal agenda didn’t seem to work out. I was too far away (I applied out of state with the grandiose idea that I became much more valuable with that expensive piece of paper). I was entry level. I wasn’t experienced. I took a job because I needed the money. I lead to a career path in finance. That wasn’t what I wanted. My next job provided me opportunities to expand my knowledge and socialize with students of all sorts of backgrounds. It wasn’t a permanent place to be, but it was a great place to gain perspective. While the nearly two month foray into full-blown secretarial work — because, let’s face it, I gained nothing in terms of my editorial pursuits while there — seemed promising financially, it was ultimately not meant to be. It’s not what I want to do. It’s not my path. Of course it wasn’t going to work out. Remember that pattern?

I feel so much more rewarded when I’m working with words. I feel rewarded when I help students. I feel rewarded when I help others publish the best works they can. In turn, I feel much more rewarded when I have the leisure to spend time with my family. Nothing beats watching them learn and grow. I wouldn’t trade my family for any amount of recognition. Keep your six figure salaries and fancy titles — I don’t need the headache and responsibility that comes with it. I work to live, not the other way around. I absolutely refuse to let the people who live to work convince me that my way is wrong. Unless you’re walking my path, you couldn’t possibly compare your way to  my way. Besides, I have items on my life list that won’t get done if I’m tethered to someone else working on their agenda.

Incidentally, I had another sign today assure me that I’m heading on the right path. I’m a little more mindful of these things nowadays…

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