Posted on

#AugustMoon13 Intentions

I’ve been silent since May. During that silence, the lovely Kat and I brewed up some magic. A brilliant idea that became the remedy for what ails me. A collaboration of reflection, manifestation, wishing, and dreaming big. A miracle. Even now, I’m awe-struck by the success of our project — by the simple fact that I contributed to this beautiful thing we dubbed August Moon 13. After reading days-worth of responses, I found the answer to my question: do I respond to our prompts, and if so, how? The answer: go through with it. Process the pain publicly. Share my story so that others may find peace. Inspire others to dream in the face of crushing defeat. So here we go…

Meredith writes: How have you treated yourself this year? Have you kept your intentions?

Quite frankly, I’ve treated myself like shit. There. I said it. I’m not censoring myself. I’m not putting up my filters. You see, on January 16th, my whole world came crashing down around me. A social services worker decided she didn’t like me and began the worst war I’ve ever faced in my entirety — hopeful the worst I will ever face during my existence. She safety planned my husband, the father of my three beautiful children, out of the home under the guise that doing so would prevent the need to remove any of them from my custody. This is where her deception began. Two days later on January 18th, she came to my home with another social services worker and demanded that I surrender my oldest son to the agency’s custody. She felt I wasn’t going to protect him from his father — yet she felt that I could protect my daughter and youngest son. Ever since, I have been filled with serious self-doubt, agonizing anxiety, and disorienting depression. For a while, I hid in shame. I kept quiet, assuming that everyone would despise me as this woman did. I feared judgment. And I suffered. I began to ignore my own needs in fear that self-care would be akin to narcissism. I sat back and let these people tear my soul to shreds, all while attempting to claw my way from their clutches — attempting to break free in order to protect my sweet innocent babies from the over-reaching of an agency gone mad with power. At times, I felt in control, empowered and ready to bring it. Then I’d get blindsided and sucker-punched. At risk of being ridiculed and outcasted, I confessed my life’s circumstances to those nearest and dearest, to those I work with regularly, and to those who’ve drifted over time. For the most part, I was pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of love and support. I only lost a small handful of friends — some of whom I still can’t figure out, meaning we weren’t really friends anymore anyway. Those who know me, my husband, and our three precious children know that this is an atrocity to our family. A vicious attack on the sanctity of our home. But even after finding the love and support I needed to survive, I’m still not treating myself very well. It’s difficult, honestly. How does one sleep when one has been separated forcibly from two people they hold near and dear to one’s heart? How does one find an appetite when plagued by fears and worries? How does one take time for one’s self when one is overwhelmed by the tasks at hand?

Obviously, this means I haven’t exactly held true to my intentions of cultivating a thriving life worth loving — in fact, I feel as though my break-throughs with Cultivate 2012 have been undone. I’m now surviving my day-to-day. I’m merely trying to make it from the time I wake up until the time I feel like I’m allowed to sleep. Sure, I’ve met my goal weight during that time, but I doubt my inner workings reflect that as a healthy weight loss. For the record, I do NOT recommend the stress diet. It’s not very fun at all. I’ve glutened myself time and again this year, subjecting my body to the destruction and pain it causes. I’ve developed an addiction to caffeine — I’m incredibly disappointed in myself about this because I had intended to cut way back on that stuff. My heart doesn’t need the stress and taxation of being forced to work extra hard when I don’t even know what I’m up against within my own body. My babies don’t deserve to see their mother’s health decline the way their father witnessed his own mother’s health deteriorate until she finally succumbed to the years of self-harm in the way of nicotine, sugar, workaholism, and stagnation. They deserve a vibrant old lady who’s around to watch them become grandparents.

I’m putting my foot down now. I refuse to be stifled by an agency that insists on fabricating lies about me and my family. I refuse to let one incredibly bitter, ignorant woman to continue hurting my babies with the fear of removal and the pain of separation from their father and brother. I refuse to let this agency continue traumatizing my sweet boy, ignoring his pleas to be sent home where he belongs. I refuse to give up my marriage and force my babies to live a life of less. I am going back to January 1st, time-traveling back via words, and renewing my promise to myself — and my family — that this year will be a banner year. I’m going to fight until I win this war. I will accept no less than the complete reunification of my family. I will not give into someone else’s intentions for my family. I may not be a perfect mother, but my children seem to love me all the same. My heart stings with the pain I see my children suffering, all while I watch near-helplessly. But no more. It’s time to come clean. It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to face fear. It’s time to seize hold of that which matters most. It’s time to rise from the ashes. Come hell or high-water, I’m going to prevail.

Share
Posted on

#Cultivate2012 Intention for 2013

Intention for 2013: Set your intention(s) for 2013.

I sat with this all month. I hoped that some grandiose notion would come to me during my prompt responses. I finally sat to brainstorm ideas — and decided a list of 13 intentions for 2013 would be a great idea. So here are my intentions for 2013:

  1. Eat healthy.
  2. Exercise regularly.
  3. Cull wardrobe.
  4. Cull crap. (Clutter, junk — whatever you call it. I call it crap.)
  5. Maintain schedules and routines with family, friends, and cleaning.
  6. Be active within the community.
  7. Pursue my career aspirations.
  8. Transform my life.
  9. Transform my health.
  10. Transform my relationships.
  11. Transform my community.
  12. Be happy.
  13. Follow my heart daily.
Share
Posted on

#Manifestival2012 Intentions

Yesterday I set aside time for me — time to hang out at my favorite little cafe, sipping tea, savoring chocolate, writing, and being with myself. (And hooray! Someone else paid my tab for me! How sweet was that! I wish I could have thanked those wonderful women!) I’ve been craving alone time to just sit and hear myself think, listen to the thoughts that arise, and let the words flow from my finger tips. Admittedly, weeks 2 and 3 of 2012 haven’t been as cultivating as they should have been. In fact, this past week has been downright ridiculous. It was like a page straight out of 2011, and I wanted to shake that right off. I needed this therapeutic time to allow myself permission to give myself my undivided attention.

I brought along my laptop, a lovely new spiral notebook I got for Christmas, my little journal, and my planner. I’ve already scheduled another visit for the next payday, which also happens to be a day off. Of course, I may bring along my husband for some couple time, but as it stands this place is like a therapist’s office to me. I come here, they treat me like a valued guest, and I enjoy delicious food and drink in a peaceful, lovely environment. Today’s particularly overcast, but the low lighting works just fine. It’s not like an uncomfortably bright room in which you feel blinded by fluorescent noise. It’s like… home. It’s my sanctuary, where I’m free to writing happily and sip something warm and comforting. I’m free to be me.

I’ve been implored by this week’s manifestival prompt to reflect on 2011 and the themes each month had. So, I literally opened a new tab to review my posts for each month, jotted notes in my spiral, and meditated a bit on what each month’s theme was. Here’s what I came up with, no explanations given:

  1. January: Processing
  2. February: A New Hope
  3. March: Quiet Reverberance
  4. April: Critical Mass/ Meltdown
  5. May: Health Crisis
  6. June: Letting Go of Guilt
  7. July: Financial Crisis/ Social Withdrawal
  8. August: Settling for Less
  9. September: Attempting to Balance
  10. October: Swallowing a Tough Pill
  11. November: Focusing
  12. December: Preparation (for 2012)

Last year was filled with more than its fair share of downs and not enough ups. I struggled financially, mentally, and physically. My hopes and dreams were shattering around me, faster than I could piece them back together. This year I’d like to take those shattered remains, plant them, nurture them, and watch them grow into something even bigger than I could have hoped for. What finally went well for me was to embrace those who embraced me — no more flailing and chasing after someone would didn’t even bat an eyelash before casting me aside. The wonderful people who come here and read, comment, and express their contentment with my work are the ones who deserve my time and attention. And in fact, I learned a good lesson last year — the lesson that I must remain firmly grounded throughout my life, no matter how successful or unsuccessful I become. While it wasn’t an enjoyable year, it was a year of teachable moments, guiding me to a clearer understanding of myself, my flaws, and my talents.

It is my intention this year to become successful. I must focus. I must have discipline. I must balance. I must be patient. And above all else, I must learn all that I can. I have the resources to do so, lying dormant in my files. I cannot allow 2012 to be a repeat of 2011. I must cultivate myself — cultivate a life worth living. If it’s worthwhile, it’s worth the effort to cultivate it. And in case you hadn’t noticed, that’s my theme for 2012: cultivation.

Share
Posted on

#Cultivate2012 Outlook

What is your personal outlook for 2012? What do you hope to accomplish this year? What do you need to nurture in order to cultivate your intentions? Write, sketch, color, photograph, create a vision board — do what feels right. 2012 is yours for cultivation!

Between the 509 unique page views and this glorious idea I decided to call Cultivate, I’ve got a bright and cheery outlook for 2012. I welcomed the new year in last night, promising my husband — and myself — that this year would be different. This year will be better. It will be much more fruitful. Why do I believe this? Because this year is different. This year I’ve got ideas that I’m following through with. This year, I’m going to take hold of opportunities instead of letting them pass me by. It’s a chance to start over — a chance to start living the dream instead of pining after it.

This year I hope to accomplish a list of achievements. Yesterday we sat down and made our lists for the Live the List Challenge, and our family is going to spend plenty of time trying to cross off all the items, within reason of course. I plan to step it up and becoming a thriving freelancer. I realized that in addition to my current services, I can offer virtual assistantship to clients. I’ve got plenty of experience as a secretary, but there doesn’t seem to be plenty of locations nearby looking for one. My skills don’t need to stay within commuting distance — I’ve got Skype, Gmail, and tons of web-spunk. I’m not bound by spacial constraints, and neither should my clients. I’m sure it’s awesome to have someone sitting at a desk in an office during business hours, but business doesn’t always occur during business hours. I agree with Kelly Gurnett that more people should go the ROWE route (results-only work environment). In addition to expanding my services, I’m absolutely going to write until my fingers cramp. I’m going to aggravate that carpal tunnels. I’ve been encouraged to keep writing, and I’m finding more and more that even I love my words. I also love helping others find their voices and perfect their words. I want to do a whole lot more of that during 2012. I have a goal to earn $45k during 2013 as my own boss, after all. I also intend to take better care of myself. There are no do-overs in life. I’m only going to be a 20-something for a little bit longer — now is the time to prevent and nurture my health so I can enjoy a better quality life for a longer quantity of time.

In order to nurture my intentions, I need to start by nurturing myself. I need at least eight hours of sleep each night, I need to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, I need to eat a healthy, filling breakfast each morning, I need to take my vitamins, I need to get some exercise on a regular basis, and I need to take time to feed my passions. Anything less, and I’m feeling lousy. I don’t function well as a malnourished, dehydrated, exhausted, out-of-shape ball of nerves. It’s not a good state of being for anyone, and it also isn’t a very good look for me. When I feel good, I function better. I’m more productive. I’m nicer and friendlier. I’m also much more willing to function as an ISFJ, nurturing those around me. I wake up ready and willing to make a nice breakfast. I’m energized to partake in family fun. Moreover, I catch mistakes a lot faster. I’m quicker-witted. So it goes without saying that I need to nurture myself and my family first. I must nurture my passions by giving into them — writing to improve my writing, dancing when the mood strikes, and enjoying my life. I won’t get another shot at this life I’m living right now, so it’s better off that I nurture it. Feed it, water it, give it plenty of sunlight, and watch it thrive. I’m going to cultivate the kind of life I want to live — the kind of life where I’m thriving.

Share
Posted on

November In Review

Let’s all assume we’re on the same page. As you can see, I didn’t post very much this month — including promised scheduled posts that never even got written, let alone went live. I had dedicated myself to rebuilding and focusing on discipline during November, and unfortunately I didn’t quite succeed in my endeavors. Different issues arose such that my attention was drawn away from my intentions. I began the month with the intention of writing a novel, and I backed out about 3 or 4 days into the challenge. I have an idea in my head of how I want this novel to read, and I have notes written — notes that are packed away in a box somewhere, waiting for me to find our own place. So, I decided to put that novel back on the shelf until a time in which I’m better able to write it. And do you know what? It’s all okay.

During November I’ve realized that there’s no reason to feel so much guilt over so many things. I have a lot of ideas in the air, and I’ve got a lot of responsibilities that I’ve taken on. So while I may not have shared as much discipline with regards to my writing as I wish I would have, I know that I applied discipline to the areas in which it mattered most. I’m a very family-oriented woman, and I want to enjoy my family life most of all. Most of my work focuses on making life easier so that I can spend more time with my family. I want to be an English consultant because I know it will make that goal much more attainable. For some people it’s about traveling to exotic locations. For others, it’s about fancy, shiny cars, the latest fashions, and all the newest gadgets. For me, it’s about the freedom to sip wine as I write. It’s about the freedom to operate out of a cafe that offers me hospitality and delicious fare. It’s about the freedom to build snowmen with the kids. To blow bubbles. To bake cookies. To laugh. To be a family. So while I may not have been as disciplined as I’d like, I definitely continued with my intention to focus on what matters most.

Share