#Reverb11: Beyond Avoidance

Filed under: Reverb 11 — Tags: , , , — Meredith @ 11:00 am December 22, 2011

Beyond Avoidance (Written by Jake Nickell): What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

This year I was supposed to turn Electrate Editorials into a thriving business. I was going to be the best little English consultant I could be. I was going to tutor, write, edit, and discuss the finer points of grammar mechanics with clients. I was supposed to be turning this idea into a viable business venture that would negate the necessity of an out-of-home job. So why didn’t I make that happen? Why didn’t my dreams manifest as reality? Fear. Worry. Uncertainty. Preoccupation. Depression. Poverty. Distractions. Drama. A lot of things and emotions got in the way of success. I’ve been afraid that I’ll fail. I’ve worried that I wouldn’t be able to earn enough money to support my family. I wasn’t sure that anyone would be interested in my services. I became preoccupied with the mandatory job search that supplied my bank account with a steady source of income to pay my bills. I have — and still do — suffer from depression. How could you blame me? I spent 5.5 years and $42k on a degree that hasn’t amounted to much after being fired from a job for no real reason. I took a job that I’m overqualified for after struggling to get either a good job or a low-wage job for over a year. Really, it took me more than a year to find a job at all. Of course, this means we’ve basically been poor for a while. I wasn’t in a good income bracket before I lost my job, but this has been a difficult year and a half of scrimping, doing without, and feeling like the lousy relative that no one expects even a card from. It sucks.

Why haven’t even gotten to the distractions and drama, but we’re not going there. You’ve gotten quite a bit of intimate information out of me already, so I’m just going to have to tell you to trust me when I say things have been interesting for me. When it comes right down to it, I’ve avoided creating a better life because I’m still trained to believe that a better life comes from working hard for The Man. I want to shake that silly notion straight into the dumpster where it belongs. However, for the moment I realize my day job needs to fund my dream job. So I trudge on, still avoiding that which I desire. I neglect my need to create. I neglect my nerd to spread my knowledge. I neglect my need to change lives. But that stops now.

Starting next year, I’m going to create. I’m going to get nerdy. I’m going to make money. This can’t be all there is to life, and I’m not going to keep settling for less than I deserve. Next year, I’m going to start changing lives, starting with my own first.

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