Posted on

Reverb 10: Body Integration

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

At first glance, I both knew the answer and denied knowing a possible answer. A very specific moment came to mind, and upon further reflection I know it’s the exact moment this year in which I felt as though my mind and body were quite cohesive. It was July 1st when I got fired. I refuse to describe the thoughts and emotions, the words and people present — it’s far too emotional and intimate. I don’t think I’ve even described exactly how I felt to my husband because the gravity of the situation is so incredible. However, I do realize that moment of cohesion has set the tone for the second half of my 2010. This prompt has given me the opportunity to explore my feelings and my current state of being.

You’ll recall I was anxious about accepting that job offer in the first place. Something nagged at me. Don’t take it. Don’t accept it. You can do better. Of course, somehow the general negativity that pervades our society can drag you down right along with everyone else. You listen to what other people say about how this other person did this and that. You determine your self-worth based on others. You compare yourself to others every day. And that’s just the problem. Okay, so some other person has x amount of years more experience than I do. Should that matter as far as I’m worth? Not a chance. What she’s done is what she’s done. What I’ve done is separate from her. Therefore, I should worry less about what everyone else thinks and more about what I think. I apparently have a good intuition.

I also realized that I had strayed from my path. Call it divine intervention. Call it coincidence. Call it chance. Regardless, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life in which I experience setbacks if I’ve strayed from my calling. For years and years I struggled to fulfill a destiny that wasn’t mine to be had. There were signs along the way that I didn’t understand. I remember as far back as 9th grade, when I devoted my Saturdays to volunteering at an animal hospital. I did this for experience and volunteer credit. I wanted to get my foot in the door, to shadow those in the position I thought I would someday hold. Due to age concerns, I wasn’t hired on. I watched as some people who really just needed a job — any job — got the job I coveted. I thought it was unfair. Really though, they needed the money whereas I just wanted the official title on my resume. Still, I couldn’t get the job. I noticed my inability to comprehend the equations in Chemistry. Foolishly, I figured it wasn’t that important if I was still about to make a B in the class. I think I would have realized the severity of my situation if the teacher placed more emphasis on the equations. I would have realized Chemistry isn’t necessarily all about knowing how many protons and neurons are in each atom. I would have realized it had nothing to do with making a food model of an atom, either. Unfortunately, another sign went unheeded.

Fast forward to college graduation. Jobs that didn’t further my personal agenda didn’t seem to work out. I was too far away (I applied out of state with the grandiose idea that I became much more valuable with that expensive piece of paper). I was entry level. I wasn’t experienced. I took a job because I needed the money. I lead to a career path in finance. That wasn’t what I wanted. My next job provided me opportunities to expand my knowledge and socialize with students of all sorts of backgrounds. It wasn’t a permanent place to be, but it was a great place to gain perspective. While the nearly two month foray into full-blown secretarial work — because, let’s face it, I gained nothing in terms of my editorial pursuits while there — seemed promising financially, it was ultimately not meant to be. It’s not what I want to do. It’s not my path. Of course it wasn’t going to work out. Remember that pattern?

I feel so much more rewarded when I’m working with words. I feel rewarded when I help students. I feel rewarded when I help others publish the best works they can. In turn, I feel much more rewarded when I have the leisure to spend time with my family. Nothing beats watching them learn and grow. I wouldn’t trade my family for any amount of recognition. Keep your six figure salaries and fancy titles — I don’t need the headache and responsibility that comes with it. I work to live, not the other way around. I absolutely refuse to let the people who live to work convince me that my way is wrong. Unless you’re walking my path, you couldn’t possibly compare your way to  my way. Besides, I have items on my life list that won’t get done if I’m tethered to someone else working on their agenda.

Incidentally, I had another sign today assure me that I’m heading on the right path. I’m a little more mindful of these things nowadays…

Share
Posted on

Reverb 10: 11 Things

Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Life has been all about decluttering these days. What’s coming with us? What don’t we need anymore?  What superfluous items have become hidden among the useful items? So far, we’ve purged quite a lot of junk — an old, broken TV, broken electronics accessories, piles of extra phone wires that no long provide use, a broken recliner, and plenty more objects. At the end of the year, more than 11 things will be left behind in 2010. I don’t know that I can discuss 11 things in full detail, but I will share the more important things as best I can.

I’m leaving behind the shackles of non-benefited, insecure employment. I don’t need to allow some arbitrary person in an arbitrary company tell me that my services are no longer required. I don’t need someone telling me that my family is some how lessen than another because they can’t afford me, have no further need for people in my field, or that they simply don’t like me. I will unapologetically go forward into the new year as the person I am. I’m not going to apologize for putting my family first. I’m not going to apologize for being a writer. I’m not apologizing to someone who doesn’t deserve my apologies. I’m not parading myself around for free, only to be told someone else had better qualifications or that I’m a liability because I’m over-qualified. Really? I’m either not as qualified as some other candidate or over-qualified? Is that really what I want to do with my life? Evaluating my self-worth based on other job candidates? That seems like a deplorable way to live. And you know what? I have the tools. I know people. I’m going to make this work, and there’s not a thing “The Man” can do about it. I’m going to live a life worth living. Just watch.

I’m leaving behind rental living (for now). Every year, I watched my rent go up. Service remained the same. Then the housing bubble burst — and people moved into the same floor plan for much less than I had to pay. I still pay more than a person off the street would be paying. But no longer. I am now paid up, awaiting moving day, and ready to embrace a rent-free lifestyle in 2011.

I could delve more into all the things I’ll be purging from my life when I cross the state borderline, but the emotions invoked are far too overwhelming to allow for meaningful discourse. The thoughts become garbled by the time they reach my finger tips.

Share
Posted on

Reverb 10: Wisdom

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Yesterday I sat with this prompt — up until my head felt like it was 50 pounds and the room seemingly spun around. By the time I remembered I had a post to write, it was 12:15AM. Before falling asleep last night, I sat with the prompt again, cynically pondering the decisions I’ve made over the course of 2010. Finally, I realized I did have one wise decision among the myriad bad choices. I decided to take my finances into my own hands and go into business for myself. Some people might think this is irresponsible and risky — I, however, see it for being the only way to stay afloat in an over-saturated job market. I can’t keep competing with those more experienced, nor can I keep competing for jobs I’m over-qualified to take. Sure, I might feel willing to accept something lower, but that doesn’t mean a potential employer is willing to hire an over-qualified candidate. And the longer I sit here, frustratingly unemployed, the more eyebrows will raise at this gap in employment. No, I don’t believe this is the way for me. This is not the path I’d choose. I’m choosing to venture out on my own, to cultivate my craft, to market myself, to become my own employer and leave the rat race where it belongs — in my past. I don’t have much choice right now. It’s either sit around, blasting my resume to anyone and everyone who’ll accept it, or taking initiative and making my dreams come true.

So while I’ve stewed over the poor decision to leave a job — albeit a threatened job — to accept a job to which I felt lukewarm, I realize that I did make at least one wise decision this year. May 2011 prove my point.

Share
Posted on

Reverb 10: Let Go

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Wow. So many emotions washed over my last night as I read this prompt. Aside from disappointment, this year seemed to be about letting go. I let go of quite a few things. I let go of a grudge in February. I let go of an entire department of people who I’d come to be so comfortable and familiar with. I let go of my attachments to an entire town — more specifically, I will be letting go of my eight year stint of autonomy. Letting go is hard to do sometimes, especially when it’s something you’ve become so attached to…

I’d say letting go of a past grudge was the easiest of the three majors things this year. I had hints that it would happen this year, and I realized that sometimes forgiving and moving on is the right course of actions. Things have turned out just fine in that regard, and I’m happy I made that decision. I feel a better person for moving on and making that change in my life.

Letting go of MSE was a lot harder. I was complacent with my situation there. Sure, I didn’t receive benefits or a pay that would’ve covered my student loans — though now I realize that it would’ve worked out just fine because of the income contingent repayment plan the federal government offers. But it was something more than just a job. It was a place where I knew everyone by face and name. I looked forward to the colorful delivery drivers who’d pepper my day with relatively different stories. One was a man who seemed suited for a career in used car sales, a bit of a blue-collar comedian if you will. Another was a family man who’d strive to make it home in time to watch his son play sports. The other had a very interesting sense of humor. And then there were the students, who I began to memorize by face and name. Some were notorious for receiving several packages at once. I could see different cliques, usually dependent on which advising group they belonged to. Some habitually arrived late to seminar — and depending on my rapport with said student, I might be a little lenient. Then there were the professors. For the most part, they were very congenial. The younger professors attempted to get me to refer to them by first name. I came around for two of them — one because he consistently responded to my emails with his first name, the other because she was so close in age to me that it felt more natural to do so. Otherwise, I maintained the salutations of Dr. Last-Name. Spend several years earning a degree that gives you that title, and you most definitely deserve to referred to as a doctor. My coworkers got along for the most part. My bosses were pretty much hands off. People complain about micromanagers — these two were definitely not micromanagers. How lucky was I to have two bosses who gave me the freedom to go about my daily tasks without checking in every five minutes? Nothing says “I’ve got a great job” like being able to gather all your work together, walk over to your boss, and say, “here, this is what I’ve got. What do you think?” quite like the job I’d held for two and a half years. I was given the opportunity to expand my knowledge and gain experience. I doubt another job would have given me the opportunity to dabble in Adobe InDesign. It hurt to leave. It felt like the wrong time to leave. And it probably was the wrong time to leave. But then again…

All of the events occurring from that point onward culminated in my imminent departure from Gainesville. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this town for most of my time living here. It’s a bittersweet move because I wanted it to be more on my terms. I wanted it to be to a place I had chosen. I wanted it to be after I’d been a little more established in my work. And yet I realize that I’m going to need to think much more positively if I intend to move forward. I’m going to have to find the silver lining. For starters, I’ll have the opportunity to make a living off of my craft. I’ll have the opportunity to grow my own food. We’ll be away from the partying students and the increasing crime rates. Heck, we’ll be half an hour away from White Castle — which was my favorite fast food restaurant as a little girl in New York. Mmm, sliders and onion rings.

I’m trying to make the most of it. I’m trying to reflect on these changes, why the needed to happen, and how they will manifest in the next year.

Share
Posted on

Reverb 10: One Word

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Disappointment. That’s exactly how I feel about the year 2010. It began with bright hopes and big dreams. I began looking for a job that would pay me what I wanted and offer benefits. Instead, I took a job I wasn’t entirely wild about. The pay wasn’t up to par, and the people weren’t nearly as bonded as I had been accustomed to. I didn’t quite want to take it, but I knew restructuring would eventually force me to leave my former job. I also found a way to make the salary work, but somehow it still didn’t feel like the right move to make. Ultimately, it was not meant to be as I spent the later half of this year unemployed. I was cautioned that the last one hired is the first one fired, but that thinking wouldn’t permit for me to accept employment elsewhere. This time of unemployment has set the stage for the rest of my 2010, and it’s been quite unpleasant. I’d prefer never to relive this sort of discomfort again.

I would like 2011 to be summarized by success. I’m preparing to start my own business as a freelance writer, editor, English consultant, and English tutor. I see a real need for enhanced writing skills amid the nonsense of texting and “lolspeak.” Don’t get me wrong — I love a good macro just as much as the next person, but I can’t stand seeing it pervade everyday writing. I’d also love to finally make my words count for something more than pennies. I would love to wrap up my 2011 knowing my single member limited liability corporation can pay the bills and make life comfortable. I want to know I’m capable of employing myself — no bosses, no office politics, no nonsense.

Share
Posted on

Mindful Monday: Shifting Gears

The job hunt has been seemingly futile to the point that I’ve come to realize that starting my own business isn’t just a wish — it’s a necessity. If for whatever reason I seem to be an unappealing job candidate, I can’t just sit around waiting to hear nothing or be told that they decided to go with another candidate. I can’t wait around for potential employers, giving them control over my destiny. Instead, I need to switch my focus onto finding clients and handling business on my own. I can’t just sit around waiting for someone to offer me money when I can very easily find people willing to pay me for services I can provide. That being said, I’m moving away from the job search and beginning to organize myself for self-employment in about one and a half to two months from now. As details come together, I will begin advertising my services here and welcome you to visit my business websites. I’ve had the domains purchased for a little while now, but I just haven’t been working on them.

Share
Posted on

Mindful Monday: Gearing up for Reverb 10

Last December, I participated in Gwen Bell’s Best 09 blog challenge. It was a great way to get some creative ideas following and reflect on the year gone by. This year she’s done it again, along with two other amazing women — and I plan to participate again. I will be reflecting on the year 2010 and manifesting what’s next for 2011 via her Reverb 10 project. The year 2010 has brought me some very interesting life changes, and I’m looking towards 2011 for something fresh and new. June 11th, 2011 will mark the 10th anniversary of my high school graduation. Whether or not I’m able to attend the reunion remains to be seen, but the occasion will still be momentous in my life. Has it really been that long already? And yet, it also seems like decade ago in that regard. Life has changed so very, very much since high school. I’m looking towards 2011 for the formal beginning of my career as an entrepreneur, a freelancer, an independent contractor, a free agent. I’m looking towards 2011 to be my escape from the rat race, being someone’s assistant, having someone to tell me when, where, and how to work. It would seem all signs are pointing to the perfect opportunity to do so.

As the Thanksgiving holiday fast approaches, I will be counting my blessings in life. Sure, things aren’t exactly perfect and shiny at the moment, but life could be so much worse. For example, did you know that most people settle for a partner they’re not entirely in love with just avoid being alone? Yet here I am, nearly 10 years involved with my soul mate, feeling blessed to have him enriching my life on a daily basis. As I’ve told my wise friend who drives one of the buses we take regularly, I really do scratch my head about that one everyday. I might not have all the greatest things, but I’ve got something that even the wealthiest never find. See? Always something to be thankful for in life.

Share
Posted on

Life Changes

All things considered, I’ve finally realized my lack of writing can be forgiven. After all, there’s only so much time between the baby’s climbing escapades. There’s only so much time when all three kids are either napping or spending quiet time in their rooms. There’s only so much time left after I’ve devoted most of it to a seemingly fruitless job hunt. And on that subject, what does a woman have to do to get a job these days? Apparently it’s not as simple as it used to be — but of course, the job market is over-saturated with many of my other unemployed brethren. We’re all flailing about, hoping potential employers will see us for the shining stars that we are and choose one of us. Where there are jobs, there are also more qualified candidates. Where there are service jobs, there are high schoolers and college students ready and willing to work. Living in a college town, I find that job hunting needs to be timed just right, or else you’re out of luck for several months before the next round of hiring begins.

Lately the potential for a change of scenery has weighed heavily upon my mind. Each passing day brings more debt and less hope for salvation. Each day I realize more so that I may very well have to accept a serious change in living arrangements and lifestyle. We wouldn’t become homeless, no. However, we would be leaving the state. I realize in the past I have complained that I’m tired of living here, but I really wanted to leave Florida on my own terms. This is a little less on my terms. On the other hand, this could very well still be the opportunity I need in order to make the leap from someone’s employee to my own boss. I could potentially spin this into my chance to write for a living. I could put forth energy into my own business exploits because rent and utilities wouldn’t exactly be the issue they’ve been. Sure, I don’t intend to be a freeloader, but I don’t see any reason why I’d need to continue spending the same amount on my living expenses as I do now.

Time is running short, and the probability of an interstate move seems much higher these days. My writings may be spent more in private paper and pen format, rather than a public weblog format, but know I don’t mean to ignore my public writings. In fact, I’d love to devote more time to it, and I just might get that chance at the start of 2011. My goals for 2010 might be a wash, but that doesn’t mean a shiny new beginning couldn’t mean a chance for achieving goals and living dreams.

Share
Posted on

Mindful Monday: Unplanned Hiatus

I’ve become highly aware of my complacency to just let a week or two go by without a post, and I notice the increasing guilt I’ve felt as a result. I also realize I made many big goals for myself at the start of the year, only to realize they’ll suffer that stereotypical fate of most goals set around the onset of a new year. I found myself wondering how I could call myself a writer if I didn’t actually practice the craft — it’s not like I’m merely putting my efforts into another outlet, after all. Still, I’ve also been told that writing just to put something there isn’t always a good idea. I tend to write from the heart when I blog, honestly, so that would really make sense in that respect. It’s not methodical here. There are no outlines, no drafts, no drawn-0ut revisions. Instead, an idea hits me, my brain begins to process thoughts and words, and somehow I churn out between 200 and 800 words after any given post.

So the other day I read Gwen Bell’s post after a bit of her own hiatus, and I realized that perhaps the guilt is unfounded. Perhaps I’m merely treating this thing — this possibility to monetize my words and never have to leave my house to pay my bills — improperly. Perhaps I should be writing to write, to share the joys within my heart. To share the ideas I have. To simply share. Sure, a little money here and there would be nice, but at what cost? I already know there are those out there who frown upon some of the mediums I’ve been using as mediums that abuse the very writers whose words have so much more value than the mere pittances awarded to them. And why should it even be about that insufferable Google PageRank? It’s not about the quantity of visitors, really — it’s the quality. I’d like to say the quality of my visitors is quite nice at the moment.

Maybe I’ve been approaching my writing the wrong way for the past few months. Maybe it’s time to let go of the guilt, embrace the moments of creation, and go forward without looking back at past “failures.”

Share
Posted on

Schedule Deviation

Obviously, Thankful Thursday never happened. It just didn’t. To be honest, my day started with a time wasting orientation that served merely to give me a hint that I might get a little bit of job placement help, but basically it seems to receive unemployment you need to report back to Big Brother every so often. Good thing I’ve been keeping track of my job hunt just for my own personal use! So, I suppose we’ll see if it works out to my advantage or not — here’s hoping! Due to some sleep loss (one kid woke up crying thinking it was time to get up at 1am, had to get up early to go to previously said orientation), I was a bit cranky yesterday. Sure, I’ve got plenty of things to be grateful for — but it’s nothing I haven’t already rehashed here. Sometimes, my brain isn’t cooperative in terms of recycling material in a newer sounding fashion.

And you may have noticed that Foodie Friday’s not happening. Sorry, nothing good to share today. While I have found myself in the kitchen more often than I’d like to be in there, I haven’t really felt like staging things to take pictures. I haven’t felt like something was post worthy until well after the fact — when it’s just too late to go back and get pictures of the process.

Life can become a bit complicated when everyone wants a piece of Mommy/ Meredith’s time. I have a list of projects and some to-do lists scattered about my hard drive, and yet I find I have less and less time to really devote to them. Working on my own business? Nope, no time or motivation when I’m worried about following all the laws to the letter. I mean really, we live in a day and age when a grouchy neighbor can call the cops on little kids running a lemonade stand and get the law and their side! Without a food and beverage license, those kids are breaking the law — absolutely messed up, but absolutely, unfortunately true. So here I sit, wondering who’s watching what I do, just itching to report me the second I decide to take business before getting everything legit. It’s disheartening. I’d love to earn some extra money, but it’s true that you need to spend money to make money. Are my services taxable? I haven’t a clue — nothing concrete seems to exist within the realm of what I’d like to do. Some sources say yes; others say no. And if they’re taxable? I have the joys of estimating taxes. Are you kidding me? This is why Mom & Pop’s don’t work anymore. It’s truly a shame that the Land of Opportunity is no longer the land of opportunity.

I could sit here taking on the victim persona, whine and cry about how awful everything is, and generally wallow in misery. However, I know that it only serves to feed into that vicious cycle, and the best way to deal with it is to spin it into a positive. But sometimes? Sometimes it’s really hard to put a positive spin on a situation, especially when you stop, step back, view the bigger picture, piece together all the variables, and realize there’s a lot to be done in a short period of time. It’s hard to really stay upbeat and positive all of the time when times look bleak. Prospects are slim, standing out from the masses seems hopeless, and even networking appears to be falling just short of getting a foot in a door. The funny thing is that I can pretty much go back in time three years ago and apply most of these job hunting frustrations to that time period. Things did work out, I finally stood out of the crowd for the right position. It just takes time, determination, and perseverance.

Although I’m obligated to complete another round of sifting through job postings tomorrow, I think I might take a step back from the Internet over the weekend. I deserve a weekend away from it all. Sure, there won’t be any lovely beach excursions in my near future, but I certainly could use a little less electronic glow and a little more inner glow. Sunshine is optional — I’m not entirely certain the weather would cooperate with any outdoor plans.

Share