uf – The Prose of an Electrate Mind

December 6, 2010

Reverb 10: Let Go

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Wow. So many emotions washed over my last night as I read this prompt. Aside from disappointment, this year seemed to be about letting go. I let go of quite a few things. I let go of a grudge in February. I let go of an entire department of people who I’d come to be so comfortable and familiar with. I let go of my attachments to an entire town — more specifically, I will be letting go of my eight year stint of autonomy. Letting go is hard to do sometimes, especially when it’s something you’ve become so attached to…

I’d say letting go of a past grudge was the easiest of the three majors things this year. I had hints that it would happen this year, and I realized that sometimes forgiving and moving on is the right course of actions. Things have turned out just fine in that regard, and I’m happy I made that decision. I feel a better person for moving on and making that change in my life.

Letting go of MSE was a lot harder. I was complacent with my situation there. Sure, I didn’t receive benefits or a pay that would’ve covered my student loans — though now I realize that it would’ve worked out just fine because of the income contingent repayment plan the federal government offers. But it was something more than just a job. It was a place where I knew everyone by face and name. I looked forward to the colorful delivery drivers who’d pepper my day with relatively different stories. One was a man who seemed suited for a career in used car sales, a bit of a blue-collar comedian if you will. Another was a family man who’d strive to make it home in time to watch his son play sports. The other had a very interesting sense of humor. And then there were the students, who I began to memorize by face and name. Some were notorious for receiving several packages at once. I could see different cliques, usually dependent on which advising group they belonged to. Some habitually arrived late to seminar — and depending on my rapport with said student, I might be a little lenient. Then there were the professors. For the most part, they were very congenial. The younger professors attempted to get me to refer to them by first name. I came around for two of them — one because he consistently responded to my emails with his first name, the other because she was so close in age to me that it felt more natural to do so. Otherwise, I maintained the salutations of Dr. Last-Name. Spend several years earning a degree that gives you that title, and you most definitely deserve to referred to as a doctor. My coworkers got along for the most part. My bosses were pretty much hands off. People complain about micromanagers — these two were definitely not micromanagers. How lucky was I to have two bosses who gave me the freedom to go about my daily tasks without checking in every five minutes? Nothing says “I’ve got a great job” like being able to gather all your work together, walk over to your boss, and say, “here, this is what I’ve got. What do you think?” quite like the job I’d held for two and a half years. I was given the opportunity to expand my knowledge and gain experience. I doubt another job would have given me the opportunity to dabble in Adobe InDesign. It hurt to leave. It felt like the wrong time to leave. And it probably was the wrong time to leave. But then again…

All of the events occurring from that point onward culminated in my imminent departure from Gainesville. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this town for most of my time living here. It’s a bittersweet move because I wanted it to be more on my terms. I wanted it to be to a place I had chosen. I wanted it to be after I’d been a little more established in my work. And yet I realize that I’m going to need to think much more positively if I intend to move forward. I’m going to have to find the silver lining. For starters, I’ll have the opportunity to make a living off of my craft. I’ll have the opportunity to grow my own food. We’ll be away from the partying students and the increasing crime rates. Heck, we’ll be half an hour away from White Castle — which was my favorite fast food restaurant as a little girl in New York. Mmm, sliders and onion rings.

I’m trying to make the most of it. I’m trying to reflect on these changes, why the needed to happen, and how they will manifest in the next year.

October 1, 2010

Grateful for the Experience

I recently learned that my time at the University of Florida’s Department of Materials Science and Engineering was actually fairly impactful — the department’s graduate program was ranked number 2 by the National Research Council. In order to rank a school each year, the previous year needs to be taken into account. This would mean both of my designed-from-scratch newsletter, my brochures, and my work on the 50th Anniversary booklet all were taken into consideration when evaluating the program. How much clout these publications had in ranking the program, I’m not sure. What I am sure about, however, is that I feel proud to have had a hand in the ascension of the program. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to work with such great people, too. I’m proud of their impact on the program. Most of all, I’m so happy to have had the opportunity to put my creativity and talents to use, both gaining experience and bettering the department I worked with for two and a half years. As soon as I can find a link to the rankings, I’ll gladly share it.

July 1, 2010July 30, 2010

Impromptu Vacation

It’s actually quite funny in a cosmic sense. I mean, I did feel like I needed a vacation. I did want to be my own boss and not have to answer to someone else on their schedule. But not on these terms. It’s also funny how you learn that some people aren’t really your friends and will take the first opportunity to stab you in the back, put words into your mouth, and see that you are wronged. I will be doing some serious soul-searching with regards to whom I associate with in the next 24 hours, but for right now I have plenty of important things to handle first. In fact, let’s get onto that point right now. I’m now a free agent thanks to a gross misunderstanding.

So now I’m left scrambling to figure out finances. My husband and I are clearly going to have to play a game of who can find employment first again. I intend to contact whoever I can to do whatever I can to make sure this does not ruin my career. And who knows? Perhaps this is my chance to make my writing work for me. In the meantime, I will be accepting donations via paypal for a mother of three who’s down on her luck. Sometimes our plans in life don’t go according to plan, and sometimes other people step in to sway your path in another direction. And honestly, I’ve been in a similar position once before. We went through an uncomfortable period of time, and life began to look quite hopeless. Just when I thought it was done, that everything was going to fall apart, my old boss at UF MSE gave me a job. In fact, when I left that job I knew I was going to miss his management style the most. I knew I would miss the fact that he was more like an old friend than a boss.

So, today starts a new adventure for me and my family. I don’t know where we’re going, but I’m going to do my best to stay positive and mindful during the journey. I’m going to do my absolute best to make sure the journey takes us to a place that’s even better than I could have imagined before. And so you know, I already know I can apply for an assistanceship for grad school as long as I agree to teach some undergrad classes — the grad school application will be going forward regardless at this point. I’m not going to let a few people who’ve just spat in my face stop me from giving my family the best life I can. You can strike me down, but you cannot prevent me from doing great things in life. You can’t stop me from writing. You can’t stop me from bringing awareness to injustices. You can’t stop me from being the best wife and mother I can be. And you certainly can’t stop me from pursuing my goals. You aren’t that powerful. Only my maker can call me away from this life, and until He does, I am here to continue working towards my authentic self. Bad circumstances be damned.

If you’d like to help, you can donate to my paypal account via meri1030@gmail.com. You can also pass along that email address to recruiters. I’m a free agent, and I’m ready to rock the socks off of a family-friendly boss.

June 30, 2010July 30, 2010

In Pursuit of Knowledge

It’s hard to believe nearly a month has flown by since I last put text to these digital pages, yet it feels like I haven’t written for many months. Aside from the obvious transitioning into a new job with that self-expectation to perform at a certain level, I have continued to internalize much of my thoughts. One such consideration has been the benefit of waived tuition in order to earn my Master of Arts in English. Under the Employee Education Program, the University will waive up to 6 credit hours of tuition and fees for full time employees who have been with the University (or more specifically, been in a benefited position) for at least six months. The Department of English only starts students in the Fall semesters, therefore I most definitely cannot start until Fall 2011. However, this gives me plenty of time to write my statement of purpose, write a 15 page essay (literary criticism and theory), get three letters of recommendation, study for and take the GRE, and request two copies of my undergraduate transcripts. Fortunately, most English professors here at UF tend to use small paperback books, so I don’t foresee the cost of books as a significant problem. (I do, however, pine for the loss of Goerings Bookstore — such a shame they went out of business.)

To what end will I use my virtually free MA? Honestly, it’s more or less a matter of personal enlightenment. It’s a matter of studying with a very important figure in media studies, particular of the digital medium. This pursuit is strictly meant to better myself. Whether or not it increases my net worth is of little concern to me — imagine that, a human being less concerned with monetary gain and more concerned with self-betterment. Obviously, I previously decided against this pursuit because there wasn’t a good enough reason to take out loans in order to pay for my education. But how can I refuse an offer to a free graduate education? I simply cannot allow such an amazing opportunity slip through my fingers so easily. The baby will be nearly two by the time I start, my daughter will be four and a half, and my oldest son will be a nine-year-old. Quite frankly, I know from past experience that I know how to work my schedule, and I also know that I’m quite good at taking English classes. It’s nothing you sit around studying all day, every day. You don’t cram equations into your head until 4am, continually nursing coffee, always in fear of the next exam that could make or break your college career. No, this is different. Sure, you study. Sure, you have tests and/ or projects. But none of it is like that. “Oh, but this is GRAD school you’re talking about!” Yes, I know. I’m well aware of the fact that each successive level of education is hardest than the previous — but when it’s something specific to what you’d like to learn, when you enjoy what you learn, some of that difficulty melts away. When you are studying with someone brilliant, you take the time to absorb that brilliance, to hopefully gain some of that brilliance yourself. Like many literary theorists who came before him, Dr. Ulmer will be studied and critiqued. I would have to be absolutely, positively stupid to allow this to pass me by. With an IQ of 160, I have a certain level of self-expectation that dictates I have the capacity to be brilliant, and you’d better believe that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I did not go forward with this plan.

In the grand scheme of things, this program of study will give me more knowledge and more ability to make this — my writing — work as a full-time gig. While I don’t know just yet if I’m willing to part with excellent benefits, I still want to see my writing become something bigger than it is. A quaint little URL on the Internet is lovely and all, but there’s something much more gratifying about the thought of something bound in print, something inked on paper, something tangible. Much as I love this intangible binary that somehow manages to project images from all over the world, I love print media. The smell of a new book. The smell of an old book. The lack of a brighty glowing screen glaring in your face, straining your eyes. I admit, I can’t live without my instant access to Google, but at the end of the day my eyes hate me for it.

So, this may be the reacclimation to posting, or this may be a blip. It all depends on how well I feel I’ve moved past my internalization.