Month: December 2014

How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

This is kind of funny, actually. I guess some times I’m a jerk by laying back down instead of tending to my dreams, but I digress. I have relegated my dreams and aspirations so far into the recesses of my mind that I’ve lost touch with what it is I’d like to do with my life and how I planned to get there. And as old dreams resurface, I stop and wonder if I’ve become someone else who just isn’t interested anymore — that I’m an asshole with no room for my dreams. I’ve noticed that some of the passion has come back as Reverb has progressed, so perhaps I’m on the right track. I can make room for the dreams to burst forth by giving them a pathway out through my finger tips. I can sit down and ask myself questions or answer questions posed by others to see what magic happens. I just need to make time each day to think about who I am, what I want to be and want to do, where I’d like to go, why I’d like to do these things, and how I can take action to bring my dreams to life.

In 2015, is there something you’d like to try harder at because you believe it would make all the difference? Conversely, what is something you could stop trying so hard at that might actually help you manifest what you’d like?

These two questions are closely intertwined for me. For the duration of 2013 and 2014, I lost sight of my goals and focus. No matter what, I need to try harder at my writing. I don’t just believe it will make a difference — I know it will make a difference. I’m so much happier when I’ve written here or in my own private journal and gratitude journal. When I can make a list of things I’m grateful for daily, I realize I’m richer than I think. When I can list the accomplishments I’ve achieved daily, I realize that I’m doing my very best. When I can let the words come out through ink onto paper, I feel lighter. When I’ve connected with others here and realize we’re all much closer than it seems, I feel that sense of community. And so, I’d like to try harder to maintain my writing practices.

As far as stopping something that may be hindering the organic process, I’m not quite sure how to verbalize it. I think I try so hard to build something that won’t happen overnight. I try so hard to go from here to the magical there that I lose sight of the journey and the finer details for all points in between. I know what sort of lifestyle it is that I’d like to manifest — I just don’t quite know the HOW anymore. It seemed so obvious in December 2012, but I’ve since had life grasp me firmly by the face and pull me into other directions that didn’t include how to grow a business or become self-employed. And truly, I don’t think I’ve tried to hard on any of that in the last two years, either. By all accounts, I’ve ignored those parts of myself to the point of resentment. Now that the dust is settled, I’m trying so hard to remember what it was that I wanted to accomplish and why it was that I wanted to accomplish it. I’m trying so hard to decide if that’s really still what I want to do. Maybe that’s what I need to stop trying. Maybe I just need to let life organically bring me back to where I was or bring me to something new. Instead of worrying about the past and trying to reconnect, I should realize that I’m a different person now. It’s time to stop agonizing over lost time and start looking at where I am, who I am, and what I want out of life.

What are you really proud of that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015?

Cultivate 2014. September Equinox. To an extent, fighting the system. Honestly, I got scared of these people. The sheer amount of power they held over me — over my family — was just frightening and crippling. How could I fight back against these people? I often wondered, having been broken down to the point of thinking I would eventually lose and have to redefine my expectations for life and the future. But I seemingly silenced those gremlins a lot easier than the ones who told me that my words weren’t good enough. That my prompts and ideas weren’t good enough. They told me I was riding the coattails of others who’d done a better job before me. Those same gremlins have kept me from realizing my dreams to create a successful lifestyle business.

I’m going to go forward with my Cultivate 2015 prompts. I’m going to explore my options and try to remember what it was I wanted to accomplish in December 2012. I’ll see how that aligns with who I am now and go from there. The gremlins will tell me that I’ll never be good enough and will never make it. I’ll feel the fear and do it anyway.

What rooted or anchored you in 2014?

With how shaky and uncertain 2014 began, it truly helped to feel anchored down by friends and family who sent out tethers. I was rooted in my desire to protect and nurture my family. When it was hard to step back and look at the bigger picture — or when that bigger picture still looked beak and dismal — I always kept my focus on my precious ones and remembered the warmth and love my friends and family have surrounded us with. I don’t think I could have survived this year without them.

And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

This is an excellent question. I have spent so much time thinking about putting down roots in a physical location — home-ownership — that I fail to see the space for roots in the figurative and spiritual senses. So, where do I want to put down roots next year? I think my Cultivate project is still a seedling, waiting to grow and spread its roots deep within my core. The point of the project has always been to cultivate a life worth loving, and I think that basic belief and focus should be where I plant my roots. Each day should be a day worth loving. From this idea, I can draw rituals and practices. It incorporates my desire to protect and nurture my family, and I already have those tethers of friends and family anchoring me in place to forge forward. Moving forward, it won’t matter where I physically reside. I’ll be rooted and home everywhere I go.

Step one: set the timer for 5 minutes and write down as many answers as you can think of to the question: ‘When and how was I brave in 2014?’ Note: remember the private, intimate and small ways in which you were brave as well as the big public ways.

Fighting DFCS to get Rob and Brian home and close the case; going to work even when I felt like hiding under the blankets all day instead; asking the ARNP to refer me for testing to make sure I didn’t have some grave disease; sharing my story with the world wide web; asking for a transfer from one department to another at work; driving in snowy conditions so my children wouldn’t be at a babysitter’s house while I was stranded at work; hosted a prompt series in September; reached out to a great writer for a guest post for the last day of Cultivate 2015; planned out Cultivate 2015; there’s still a minute left, and my brain’s tapped.

Step two: Choose one of more of those moments of bravery and write a letter yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Dear Meredith,

This year you’re going to let out your inner super hero with the amount of bravery you’ll exude. You’re going to fight the beast and win — you’ve been fighting so hard against the injustice served to your family since the start of last year, and you’re going to win this war. You know in your heart that your children need you to protect them from the corruption of the world, and you are going to be so brave and valiant. You will show these people that this momma bear isn’t one to be trifled with. You are going to glue your family back together and finish out 2014 with the most important people around the Christmas tree. And how brave of you to share your struggles and victory with the world! There will be others who find inspiration in your story and channel bravery for their own circumstances.

Great job!

Love,
Me

Step three: Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

You fought the machine and won. You are your own super hero. <3

Write a letter from you to you… filled with forgiveness, love, and a big bear hug.

I hear you saying that you should be this, you should be that. This should be done. That should be perfect by now. At age 31, you say you should be successful. You shouldn’t be trapped in… this life you’ve come to know. You look at how others are flourishing — peers from school, peers from around the web. No more of that, sweetheart. It’s time to love yourself and love your life.

Things may not be perfect. They may even have gotten very rough these past two years. There may have been many times of struggle. But look at how many people still compliment your smile! Through it all, you still smile. You still laugh. You still share love and care with the world. It’s not all that bad now, is it? It’s okay to feel depressed and worried from time to time. That’s normal given the circumstances. But it’s okay to be happy in spite of it all. You are kind-hearted. You are giving. You are nurturing. You are your own special kind of person. You can continue forward with a smile in spite of many hardships, which isn’t very common. Don’t feel terrible about not measuring up to those standards of yours, honey. You’ve set the bar far too high, and you’re already achieving things that others envy. Going into 2015, remember that you are worthy.

What tiny rituals: signal that your day is starting; help you ease into a creative project; give you closure from an intensive task; or mark other significant milestones in your day? What new rituals would you like to create in the new year?

Each morning, I typically heat the kettle and pour at least one cup of tea. The lukewarm infusion clears my throat and warms my body up gently. I get a small dose of caffeine to help me ease into the day. When starting a project, I put on music almost always. At the end of each day right before going to bed, I floss and brush my teeth, brush my hair, kick off my slippers, and climb into bed with my phone, a hanky, and my water bottle. Right now that’s about as ritualistic as I am in my life, which is unfortunate.

I have attempted rituals in the past or fallen out of practice with others as times have changed. I really need to incorporate new rituals to cultivate better health and well-being. I would like to stretch each morning and before bed. I would like to drink a certain amount of water while waiting for the kettle to heat and the tea to brew. I would like to form a good writing ritual. I would like to really cement some distinct family rituals now that all the children are old enough to fully interact and communicate — board game nights, for example, might actually be realistic for all five of us without worrying that game pieces may be placed in mouths. I want to practice yoga now more than ever because my spine desperately needs me to treat it gently and respectfully. I want to practice belly-dancing again because there’s nothing quite like the feeling of hip isolations. I would like to create many new rituals designed to cultivate a life worth loving.