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Reverb 10: Appreciate

Prompt: Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

If you’re a follower of my blog, you know I’m no stranger to gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation. I think it’s incredibly important for everyone to reflect on all the reasons they have to be thankful and grateful in life. From the tiniest to the most impactful, we have so much to appreciate. Yet when I first read today’s Reverb 10 prompt, I locked up — one thing? Just one? I had to stop and meditate on the prompt, which is the point of this series after all. So, I picked up a good old fashioned pen and a notepad to jot down thoughts as they came to me. I don’t believe enough people value brainstorming nearly as much as they should. Oh! That’s a good one… and I’d scribble notes hurriedly. Then finally, I had an “aha!” moment. The one thing I’ve come to appreciate the most in this past year: T.I.M.E. Really, it ties together just about every single thing — big to small — that I’m grateful for.

I’ve tracked how I spend my time with a goal of managing myself better within the confines of a 24 hour day. I watched as time seemed to fly by me at an exponential rate. I’ve also stopped to realize that my youth has begun to wane. A few gray hairs have sprouted on my head. Fine lines show that I smile with my whole face, that I think quite a bit. My oldest no longer retains any “baby” qualities — in fact, he looks entirely like a little boy. My daughter, who still felt like my baby at the start of the year, has grown quite a vocabulary and become rather adept. And that sweet baby boy who I fought so hard to give the very best start? He’s only a baby by the technicality of the term. Otherwise? He should more appropriately be considered a toddler. He strings together two to three words. He’s completely mobile — in fact, I’ll bet he’d climb down the stairs if we gave him the opportunity. Then in a week from today, Brian and I will have known each other for ten years. Ten years! An entire decade! Where is time going? Why is it going by so fast? And why do I feel like I should be doing so much more with what little time I have, relatively speaking?

I think this year has been about time and meditating on what I’d really like to be doing with mine. I’d rather do things that bring me joy. In fact, in the past few months I’ve been given the opportunity to reflect on what I’d prefer to do. I’ve had the opportunity to choose what I’d like to do and when. While of course there are constraints to just about everything, I’ve had the leisure to start my day when I’m ready. To sip tea while reading my usual morning reads. To make breakfast for my family and snuggle with the kids. I’ve had the opportunity to contemplate my career path and where I’d like to go next. I’ve been given a gift this year — the gift of more time for me to spend as I choose.

I’ve spent time doing trivial matters, such as watching TV. Earlier this year the Cooking Channel went live, followed by the premiere of the Next Food Network Star, season six. The time spent watching select programming led to some creativity in the kitchen. I enjoy cooking and baking, and I’ve enjoyed learning new ideas to incorporate into my repertoire. Additionally, I’ve had the blessing to interact with Aarti Sequera and Herb Mesa. Did you know Aarti is more than great Indian food? I recommend checking out her blog. And oh, Nadia G — serious inspiration for someone who wants to make something out of herself through this intangible thing called the World Wide Web. I don’t necessarily want to get my own TV show or become super famous, but I do want to achieve success. And I certainly don’t want to “pretend to look for work on Craigslist.” (Best. Line. EVER!)

Oh, but it doesn’t stop at foodie inspiration. No, sir. Something old was made new again, ala Dragon Ball Z Kai. Yes, that’s right. I’m one of those people. You couldn’t possibly have been oblivious to my anime-loving ways, though — sailorscorpio.com? As in Sailor Scorpio? As in I once wrote trite Sailor Moon fanfiction? I maintained a minimal boundary from the dreaded “mary sue,” but my goodness… I’m slightly embarrassed of myself. 😉 However, my husband and I bonded over our love of anime — hence why I feel compelled to mention its impact on my time this year. I’ve come to realize that I don’t enjoy nearly enough anime, and that was mostly due in part to my time spent working for someone else. Of course, it’s also because I’ve found most anime is now socially irrelevant to me. High schoolers? I’m keeping my ear to the ground for a ten year high school reunion! That’s how irrelevant most anime is to me. Anyhow, I have enjoyed watching DBZ Kai, even if it’s dubbed. Even if it’s been censored. Actually, I don’t believe I’d have been okay with my eight-year-old watching it had it not been censored. The uncut version does feature rather gratuitous violence, after all.

I don’t believe enough people spend time doing things they enjoy. I certainly don’t think our society allows for us to do so, either. Most employers only give you a measly two weeks to recharge before expecting you to grind yourself into dust for another 50 years. And some employers aren’t even willing to give that much anymore. Why should they? We’re all so desperate in this job market, aren’t we? And this is why I choose to walk away from my search. They value my time only in the terms of which I spend it doing their bidding. Off the clock? They could care less if I’m being fulfilled. However, I care quite a bit about fulfilling myself. Over the past three years, I’ve found myself wishing I had more time to devote to the things that mattered, rather than the things that put a roof over our heads. Too many days had passed as though I operated on auto-pilot. I didn’t have to think — I just did. It wasn’t until I made the conscious effort to be more mindful that I realized I’d been walking past a beautiful cherry blossom tree without ever really giving it a second thought. I began to appreciate the littler things so much more. The bigger picture hasn’t always looked so bright and cheery, but I began to realize it’s what you do about it — what you see — that matters most. It’s how you spend your days. It’s with whom you spend time. We only have a finite time on this planet. Why waste that precious gift being miserable when we can aspire to so much more?

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Reverb 10: Action

Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

Thank you, Scott Belsky! Finally, a prompt that allows me to manifest what’s next, rather than simply venturing back to bad memories. So, what exactly IS my next step? I harbor grandiose ideas to become a successful consultant, freelancer, and all around independent contractor. Right now, I’m still sitting here in phase one — get the heck out of dodge, aka unemployment. Part of the reason I’m not currently making it happen is because I need to relocate and resettle before I can even begin to let my creativity unfurl. The chaos currently surrounding me makes for a rather frazzled, stressed out state of mind. However, I do believe I know the next step…

I have already purchased the domains. I did so back in July or August. I knew what I wanted to do, I just didn’t have the luxury to devote my time to it. Next month, I will. Step one: get those websites designed and ready to promote my services. Step two: marketing, marketing, marketing. It’s all about marketing. You can’t possibly get business if you don’t promote them, can you? Even word-of-mouth is a form of marketing. Step three:  do business. Okay, that’s a fairly simple plan, isn’t it? Three steps to success — or at least acting upon my dreams in order to go and make them a success. I certainly don’t expect to get rich quick, but I do predict I’ll hit 5 figures. I predict I’ll have a bit of reading to do before I file my 2011 tax return. I predict I’ll achieve enough success to continue on with this venture. Eventually, it will grow, and I will make my dreams come true.

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Reverb 10: Body Integration

Prompt: Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

At first glance, I both knew the answer and denied knowing a possible answer. A very specific moment came to mind, and upon further reflection I know it’s the exact moment this year in which I felt as though my mind and body were quite cohesive. It was July 1st when I got fired. I refuse to describe the thoughts and emotions, the words and people present — it’s far too emotional and intimate. I don’t think I’ve even described exactly how I felt to my husband because the gravity of the situation is so incredible. However, I do realize that moment of cohesion has set the tone for the second half of my 2010. This prompt has given me the opportunity to explore my feelings and my current state of being.

You’ll recall I was anxious about accepting that job offer in the first place. Something nagged at me. Don’t take it. Don’t accept it. You can do better. Of course, somehow the general negativity that pervades our society can drag you down right along with everyone else. You listen to what other people say about how this other person did this and that. You determine your self-worth based on others. You compare yourself to others every day. And that’s just the problem. Okay, so some other person has x amount of years more experience than I do. Should that matter as far as I’m worth? Not a chance. What she’s done is what she’s done. What I’ve done is separate from her. Therefore, I should worry less about what everyone else thinks and more about what I think. I apparently have a good intuition.

I also realized that I had strayed from my path. Call it divine intervention. Call it coincidence. Call it chance. Regardless, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life in which I experience setbacks if I’ve strayed from my calling. For years and years I struggled to fulfill a destiny that wasn’t mine to be had. There were signs along the way that I didn’t understand. I remember as far back as 9th grade, when I devoted my Saturdays to volunteering at an animal hospital. I did this for experience and volunteer credit. I wanted to get my foot in the door, to shadow those in the position I thought I would someday hold. Due to age concerns, I wasn’t hired on. I watched as some people who really just needed a job — any job — got the job I coveted. I thought it was unfair. Really though, they needed the money whereas I just wanted the official title on my resume. Still, I couldn’t get the job. I noticed my inability to comprehend the equations in Chemistry. Foolishly, I figured it wasn’t that important if I was still about to make a B in the class. I think I would have realized the severity of my situation if the teacher placed more emphasis on the equations. I would have realized Chemistry isn’t necessarily all about knowing how many protons and neurons are in each atom. I would have realized it had nothing to do with making a food model of an atom, either. Unfortunately, another sign went unheeded.

Fast forward to college graduation. Jobs that didn’t further my personal agenda didn’t seem to work out. I was too far away (I applied out of state with the grandiose idea that I became much more valuable with that expensive piece of paper). I was entry level. I wasn’t experienced. I took a job because I needed the money. I lead to a career path in finance. That wasn’t what I wanted. My next job provided me opportunities to expand my knowledge and socialize with students of all sorts of backgrounds. It wasn’t a permanent place to be, but it was a great place to gain perspective. While the nearly two month foray into full-blown secretarial work — because, let’s face it, I gained nothing in terms of my editorial pursuits while there — seemed promising financially, it was ultimately not meant to be. It’s not what I want to do. It’s not my path. Of course it wasn’t going to work out. Remember that pattern?

I feel so much more rewarded when I’m working with words. I feel rewarded when I help students. I feel rewarded when I help others publish the best works they can. In turn, I feel much more rewarded when I have the leisure to spend time with my family. Nothing beats watching them learn and grow. I wouldn’t trade my family for any amount of recognition. Keep your six figure salaries and fancy titles — I don’t need the headache and responsibility that comes with it. I work to live, not the other way around. I absolutely refuse to let the people who live to work convince me that my way is wrong. Unless you’re walking my path, you couldn’t possibly compare your way to  my way. Besides, I have items on my life list that won’t get done if I’m tethered to someone else working on their agenda.

Incidentally, I had another sign today assure me that I’m heading on the right path. I’m a little more mindful of these things nowadays…

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Reverb 10: 11 Things

Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Life has been all about decluttering these days. What’s coming with us? What don’t we need anymore?  What superfluous items have become hidden among the useful items? So far, we’ve purged quite a lot of junk — an old, broken TV, broken electronics accessories, piles of extra phone wires that no long provide use, a broken recliner, and plenty more objects. At the end of the year, more than 11 things will be left behind in 2010. I don’t know that I can discuss 11 things in full detail, but I will share the more important things as best I can.

I’m leaving behind the shackles of non-benefited, insecure employment. I don’t need to allow some arbitrary person in an arbitrary company tell me that my services are no longer required. I don’t need someone telling me that my family is some how lessen than another because they can’t afford me, have no further need for people in my field, or that they simply don’t like me. I will unapologetically go forward into the new year as the person I am. I’m not going to apologize for putting my family first. I’m not going to apologize for being a writer. I’m not apologizing to someone who doesn’t deserve my apologies. I’m not parading myself around for free, only to be told someone else had better qualifications or that I’m a liability because I’m over-qualified. Really? I’m either not as qualified as some other candidate or over-qualified? Is that really what I want to do with my life? Evaluating my self-worth based on other job candidates? That seems like a deplorable way to live. And you know what? I have the tools. I know people. I’m going to make this work, and there’s not a thing “The Man” can do about it. I’m going to live a life worth living. Just watch.

I’m leaving behind rental living (for now). Every year, I watched my rent go up. Service remained the same. Then the housing bubble burst — and people moved into the same floor plan for much less than I had to pay. I still pay more than a person off the street would be paying. But no longer. I am now paid up, awaiting moving day, and ready to embrace a rent-free lifestyle in 2011.

I could delve more into all the things I’ll be purging from my life when I cross the state borderline, but the emotions invoked are far too overwhelming to allow for meaningful discourse. The thoughts become garbled by the time they reach my finger tips.

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Reverb 10: Wisdom

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Yesterday I sat with this prompt — up until my head felt like it was 50 pounds and the room seemingly spun around. By the time I remembered I had a post to write, it was 12:15AM. Before falling asleep last night, I sat with the prompt again, cynically pondering the decisions I’ve made over the course of 2010. Finally, I realized I did have one wise decision among the myriad bad choices. I decided to take my finances into my own hands and go into business for myself. Some people might think this is irresponsible and risky — I, however, see it for being the only way to stay afloat in an over-saturated job market. I can’t keep competing with those more experienced, nor can I keep competing for jobs I’m over-qualified to take. Sure, I might feel willing to accept something lower, but that doesn’t mean a potential employer is willing to hire an over-qualified candidate. And the longer I sit here, frustratingly unemployed, the more eyebrows will raise at this gap in employment. No, I don’t believe this is the way for me. This is not the path I’d choose. I’m choosing to venture out on my own, to cultivate my craft, to market myself, to become my own employer and leave the rat race where it belongs — in my past. I don’t have much choice right now. It’s either sit around, blasting my resume to anyone and everyone who’ll accept it, or taking initiative and making my dreams come true.

So while I’ve stewed over the poor decision to leave a job — albeit a threatened job — to accept a job to which I felt lukewarm, I realize that I did make at least one wise decision this year. May 2011 prove my point.

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Reverb 10: Party

Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

The party of the year occurred on November 6th and 7th. We celebrated Junior’s 1st birthday that weekend. Day 1 we spent with family; day 2 we partied with friends.

Day 1: My grandparents came to visit. I baked homemade pepperoni pizzas. The kids enjoyed chocolate milk, while the adults drank soda. After pizza, we let the guest of honor open presents. He did quite well compared to his older siblings, seemingly knowing what to do with little prompting. The clothes worn matter little when compared to the cake worn by the birthday boy. We spring for Publix cakes when we celebrate our children’s birthdays. Honestly, I’m not skilled at decorating cakes, and it’s just as much a present to the kids as any other gift they receive. Now, Publix offers complementary “smash cakes” with the purchase of a first birthday cake. The idea behind a smash cake is fairly simple — you have a small round cake that you put in front of the baby, who then proceeds to smash it to bits. Junior, a boy who loves to play with his food, dove right in for a delicious first taste of chocolate cake. By the time he was finished, nearly half the cake had been decimated. Cake coated the table and high chair. It covered his face, bib, and clothing. Chunks lay on the floor, chocolaty reminders of the excitement experienced by a little boy celebrating his very first birthday. I can’t say that my grandparents appreciated the messy show of amusement, but my husband and older children giggled with delight.

Day 2: My friend who served as my doula at Junior’s birth brought her three children over to play and eat cake. For about an hour, the children played with cars and legos. The girls played dress up. The birthday boy marveled over the baby, who was a mere two months away from her own birth at the time of Junior’s birth. Then, there was more cake, chocolate milk, and soda. We had saved the remaining half of cake for more demolition the next day, so we brought that back out. Again, my sweet baby boy poked, grabbed, and devoured handfuls of chocolate cake. Apparently, we inspired my friend’s oldest son — he said he wants a smash cake at his next birthday!

Overall, Junior’s birthday was the most fun party of the year. There’s just nothing like watching a baby complete his first full year of life with a cake to celebrate.

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Reverb 10: Beautifully Different

Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

On the surface, I possess a very unique birth mark that I’ve come to love. Even though I was picked on and taunted as a child, I still think it’s a beautiful mark that makes me so different from everyone else. And while they say you can’t judge a book by its cover, my unique birth mark absolutely indicates that the personality is just as unique as the mark itself.

I consider myself to be a very complex, complicated individual. I have varied tastes, preferences, opinions, beliefs, and interests. Did you know my master playlist includes both Metallica and Beethoven? My wardrobe contains big, baggy JNCO jeans and brightly colored, feminine skirts and shirts. I like to think my chocolate chip cookies are the very best. The question of cats or dogs/ dogs or cats should be answered with both — actually, my favorite cuddly pets have been guinea pigs.

While it’s the inside that counts, I still fall victim to worrying about my outward appearance. Is that a gray hair? And why is there a pimple developing? Have I gained weight? Unfortunately, our society places so much emphasis on outer beauty that most women have been bred to believe their looks matter. Just when I feel like I’m completely, utterly unattractive, my husband will say something to compliment me. I tell him that his vision’s tainted by his love for me — but today I followed up with, “and that’s alright.” While we might feel unattractive, someone else might think we’re the most beautiful creature they’ve ever seen. So smile, channel some confidence, and remember that it’s all about your mindset.

***

On a personal note, this is my 300th post. (I always thought I’d quote a movie for this post, but today it seems inappropriate.) It’s taken a little over three years to post that much, but I’ve finally reached this milestone. Since today’s prompt didn’t have much of a manifesting what’s next angle, I’d like to use this opportunity to do so. By this time next year, I’d like to have at least surpassed the 500 mark. Surely there’s no reason I can’t achieve that within the next 365 days.

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Reverb 10: Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I really haven’t stumbled onto any new communities either on or offline this year. Most of the amazing communities I’ve discovered have been mainstays for years, actually. However, this is incredibly relevant in regards to my move on the 28th. I will be leaving the state of Florida to live with my aging and disabled in-laws — really, there are so many conveniences for both my family and my husband’s parents with regards to this situation. Aside from moving to a new state, the community itself will be much more rural than I am accustomed to. Apparently it’s within commuting distance of several cities — Chattanooga, Tennessee, for example — and preserves the historical battlegrounds from the American Civil War. I’d imagine the land itself tells many stories. My husband visited the area back in October and reported back that Southern Hospitality is alive and well in Northwest Georgia. I’m particularly used to living in portions of Florida that should be referred to as “New New York” and “New New Jersey,” so this seems a little intriguing to me. Living in Gainesville usually produces encounters with college students and disenfranchised locals, two seemingly opposite groups of people. However, this is what I’ve grown accustomed to.

In 2011, I will be starting life anew among a very different community filled with very different people. I really don’t know how to process this change just yet, but all the signs around me seem to shout, “this is a good thing!” The message that life will turn out okay reverberates through my daily routines. I’m maintaining an open mind and listening to the thoughts flowing around me. A fresh start among new people might be just the thing I need right now.

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Reverb 10: Make

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Somehow I get the idea that food stuffs aren’t necessarily what the prompter had in mind, otherwise we could all very easily answer this. The last thing I made? Oh yeah, that was dinner. A pork meatloaf with green beans and mashed cauliflower. Yes, that would very easily constitute an entire post. However, that seems like cheating. I make food every day — but what about other creative outlets? The last thing I got hands on with happened to be one of my favorite long sleeved shirts. It’s a brown hoodie, and it’s comfortable both by itself and as a second layer to a tank top or tee. I’d torn a hole in one of the sleeves, so I reseamed it. However, that was reviving something that had already been created by some manufacturer.

I really can’t recall any creative endeavors I’ve completed since piecing together my manifestation board for New Hampshire. I’ve been collecting pieces for a career motivation board, but I have yet to sit and begin pasting everything in place. I’ve always had the bad habit of starting projects that I never really finish. I recently left a comment on Gwen Bell’s blog detailing childhood stories I’ve started yet never finished. Time always seems to seep through my fingers like water. There’s never enough time for all the things I’d like to fit in. Too many days I feel that my last day on this planet will be spent ruing all the things I never got around to — and what a pitiful end it would be at that. If I could fabricate time, I would spin as much as possible. Could you imagine that? Having as much time as you needed? It would be a wondrous thing indeed. However, I think it all comes down to cutting out the fluff.

On that note, I’m noticing a recurring theme — too much fluff monopolizing my time. I whine about not having enough time, but then I seem to have plenty of time to devote to my daily internet rituals. Perhaps next year I should work on systematically withdrawing from internet activities that do not directly nourish my soul or feed my creative outlets. How many items truly belong on my Google reader? How much time really belongs to FaceBook? When and how often should I check my email? Sadly, I admit I had grandiose intentions of following Gwen Bell’s lead by weaning myself down to one email check per day. Perhaps the upcoming year will yield better results as I focus more on the here and now, rather than the rat race occurring around me.

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Reverb 10: Let Go

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Wow. So many emotions washed over my last night as I read this prompt. Aside from disappointment, this year seemed to be about letting go. I let go of quite a few things. I let go of a grudge in February. I let go of an entire department of people who I’d come to be so comfortable and familiar with. I let go of my attachments to an entire town — more specifically, I will be letting go of my eight year stint of autonomy. Letting go is hard to do sometimes, especially when it’s something you’ve become so attached to…

I’d say letting go of a past grudge was the easiest of the three majors things this year. I had hints that it would happen this year, and I realized that sometimes forgiving and moving on is the right course of actions. Things have turned out just fine in that regard, and I’m happy I made that decision. I feel a better person for moving on and making that change in my life.

Letting go of MSE was a lot harder. I was complacent with my situation there. Sure, I didn’t receive benefits or a pay that would’ve covered my student loans — though now I realize that it would’ve worked out just fine because of the income contingent repayment plan the federal government offers. But it was something more than just a job. It was a place where I knew everyone by face and name. I looked forward to the colorful delivery drivers who’d pepper my day with relatively different stories. One was a man who seemed suited for a career in used car sales, a bit of a blue-collar comedian if you will. Another was a family man who’d strive to make it home in time to watch his son play sports. The other had a very interesting sense of humor. And then there were the students, who I began to memorize by face and name. Some were notorious for receiving several packages at once. I could see different cliques, usually dependent on which advising group they belonged to. Some habitually arrived late to seminar — and depending on my rapport with said student, I might be a little lenient. Then there were the professors. For the most part, they were very congenial. The younger professors attempted to get me to refer to them by first name. I came around for two of them — one because he consistently responded to my emails with his first name, the other because she was so close in age to me that it felt more natural to do so. Otherwise, I maintained the salutations of Dr. Last-Name. Spend several years earning a degree that gives you that title, and you most definitely deserve to referred to as a doctor. My coworkers got along for the most part. My bosses were pretty much hands off. People complain about micromanagers — these two were definitely not micromanagers. How lucky was I to have two bosses who gave me the freedom to go about my daily tasks without checking in every five minutes? Nothing says “I’ve got a great job” like being able to gather all your work together, walk over to your boss, and say, “here, this is what I’ve got. What do you think?” quite like the job I’d held for two and a half years. I was given the opportunity to expand my knowledge and gain experience. I doubt another job would have given me the opportunity to dabble in Adobe InDesign. It hurt to leave. It felt like the wrong time to leave. And it probably was the wrong time to leave. But then again…

All of the events occurring from that point onward culminated in my imminent departure from Gainesville. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this town for most of my time living here. It’s a bittersweet move because I wanted it to be more on my terms. I wanted it to be to a place I had chosen. I wanted it to be after I’d been a little more established in my work. And yet I realize that I’m going to need to think much more positively if I intend to move forward. I’m going to have to find the silver lining. For starters, I’ll have the opportunity to make a living off of my craft. I’ll have the opportunity to grow my own food. We’ll be away from the partying students and the increasing crime rates. Heck, we’ll be half an hour away from White Castle — which was my favorite fast food restaurant as a little girl in New York. Mmm, sliders and onion rings.

I’m trying to make the most of it. I’m trying to reflect on these changes, why the needed to happen, and how they will manifest in the next year.

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